Feeling pretty down today, Reliving memories in my mind and walking down that dark road. I realize what is about to happen and turn to run but the darkness is on me before I can make it a step in the other direction and the only sound is my screaming as it swallows me whole. Inside I scream “Is that the best you got?!” But it subdues me nonetheless and now I sit here being tortured by memories, my demons, my conscious.
I think back to middle school in 8th grade, long before I even knew mental illnesses really exist, long before I cared or even knew I was different from normal people, I remember mother taking me to school and I would have some trigger that would set it off. A song, a memento from her that morning and all these bad thoughts would run through my head like “Will I ever see her again?” “Will something happen to her today?” or even a song I could just happen to hear like in high school they played songs over the loudspeaker in between classes and one of them one time was a song my mother use to sing to me when I was little the one that goes “You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when times are grey.” And it would take everything in me from crying on the outside but on the inside I was just a wreck for the whole day until I got to go home and see that she was alright and nothing had happened to take us away today.
The majority of nights in my dreams involve school as a theme. I remember one time, senior year I tried talking with this guy I was friends with but he must have been going through something bad too that day and it soured our friendship for a while and it really tore me up for the following days until he apologized. I didn’t talk to him or anything he just came up to me a few days later and apologized and explained that something bad has happened and we still are friends today although I hardly talk to him from his facebook posts I think he has something wrong upstairs like I do and I feel bad because I had no idea that something like what I have is tormenting him too. So many memories running through my head, so much pain running through my heart.
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