So I told my mother and sister and a few other people that are close to me about a month ago that once I finished high school I was going to come fully out as a trans and live as a woman 24/7. To be fair, I was doing it mostly already, but I didn’t want to complicate things at school, particularly when I was so close to graduating and being done with it.
Then I finished school three weeks ago. And I’ve been a girl ever since. Before I was fully out and openly identified myself as a woman, I felt like I had choices. For example, I would use a men’s restroom if that seemed like a better option at the time. But now I am only using the women’s room. I wouldn’t even consider walking into the men’s room because I am not a man.
I also didn’t always worry so much about looking feminine all time time, but now I do. I shave obsessively. I style my hair carefully. I wear makeup. I wear jewelry. It honestly takes me a while to get ready to leave the house, which I realize is kind of a female stereotype, but it’d definitely true for me.
I don’t have a super feminine voice, but I speak softly and try to work on a higher pitch without sounding fake. I’m pleased to say that most people that don’t know me and just see me for the first time (like a server at a restaurant, for example) identify me as female. I went to dinner last night with my sister and the hostess said, “Hello ladies!” when we walked in.
So that’s my update on that.
My sister told me about a month ago that she had a friend who’d always liked me and wanted to hang out with me. I said, “Like a date?” and she nodded and said it was probably what I could consider a date. I wasn’t honestly quite sure how to handle this. I’d never been on a date before, and I really didn’t know if I wanted to go on a date with a woman.
I asked my sister if her friend knew I would be identifying as a woman, and she said yes. I asked if her friend knew that I’m a virgin, and she said yes.
In a weird moment of weakness, I agreed and we went out. I didn’t dress too nicely or anything, I tried not to act like it was a big deal. We had a nice time at the beginning. We had dinner together and when the check came I embarrassingly didn’t know what to do. She asked me if I wanted to just split it and I agreed to that.
She invited me to her place to “meet her dogs.” That was literally how she made the invite. We went to her apartment, sat on her couch, and played with her dogs while we talked for a while. I was getting nervous because I knew the date was coming to an end soon and I didn’t know what to do.
When it came time for me to go, she walked outside with me and were standing on just outside her door together. We talked a little bit more and then she asked me if I wanted to kiss her. My honest answer was no, but I didn’t want to say that because it seemed rude. I leaned toward her and gave a small kiss on the lips. My first kiss! She responded my kissing me more forcefully. Or at least it seemed forceful, I don’t know a lot about kissing.
I felt her tongue on my lips and then try to get into my mouth. I’m so embarrassed that I didn’t even really know what I was doing. Kissing is such a normal thing that everyone does and I was confused and lost. I opened my mouth a little and her tongue went inside. Soon our tongues were touching and it was starting to feel like I was doing it right.
She pulled me back inside and onto her couch and we started kissing more. I was nervous and awkward, but I kept kissing her. She started making little moans of pleasure and I realized that this was arousing for her, and I felt weird that it wasn’t arousing to me at all.
Then it happened. I closed my eyes and imagined I was kissing a guy. I imagined a man’s tongue in my mouth and not this woman’s. And the moment I starting thinking like that, I felt myself getting an erection. The more I thought about kissing a man, the more aroused I got.
We kissed for several more minutes, and then we said our goodbyes and I left. When I got home my sister immediately wanted to know how everything went. I told her that it was exactly what I needed because now I know for sure that I’m attracted to men.
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