I wrote this on FB this morning:
Recently, I’ve been what I can only describe as “boy crazy”. It’s tiring. While I wouldn’t say no to being asked for a drink I’ve decided I’m trying something new and focusing all that energy onto me. Loving me first for a change.
It literally hit me out of nowhere. Being aware of ALL THE MALES. Someone said the word muscle at work yesterday and they had my full attention.
I’m painfully aware of a male friend (who lives 5 hours away) all of a sudden. I think it’s because he’s safe and familiar. I’ve been sitting around foolishly trying to think of ways to strike up conversation with him.
A week ago after a few (lots) drinks I signed up for match.com. Money wasted. And I didn’t even remember doing it until my debit card was declined because the checking account was overdrawn.
Woke up this morning tired, restless and clear headed. Oh. Right. I DID NOT drink by myself last night. Had tea instead with peppermint and lemon and it was damn delicious.
See, I’m in the middle of a divorce. It’s friendly and amicable but I am hurt. House is being sold and I’m moving into my own home in 2 weeks. He’s moved on to another relationship and did so well before he had the courage to tell me he wanted a divorce. And we have an 8 month old.
I’m not kind to myself. I’m so tired of that. If life has taught me anything the only person I’ll be spending my entire live with is me. I need to and want to love me.
So I’m starting here. All the energy I put into pleasing others, seeking out approval and impressing others..it’s time to internalize that for awhile.
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