I still have bad habits I need to break.
Feeling like I have to walk on egg shells whenever someone is even slightly unhappy lest I provoke them and cause an angry outburst.
Hurrying around the house trying to make sure not a single thing is out of place or dirty that could possibly set someone off and cause a fight.
I still feel hopeless and helpless when I feel tension around people.
I still feel like I need to punish myself so that no one else has to punish me. It was always safer if I punished myself - such as sleeping on the floor in the back room where the dogs usually spent the night so that he didn't see me and get angry or find something to yell and scream about
Or going shopping for food and other things for the house but not buying anything for myself because he spent all our money on beer and it was more important to feed him and his daughter, or buy them clothes but not myself.
I felt guilty buying a pack of socks for myself because we always needed that $6 a few days later to bring his daughter to an indoor bouncy house park type place. She would throw a fit if we couldn't afford it, so I had to always make sure that even if our bank accounts were negative I had enough change in the house to get her whatever she wanted.
I would get money for my birthday or Christmas and spend it on them, because he was usually mad at me for some reason and it was safer to spend my money on them then to come home with something for myself.
Thankfully I'm out of that toxic environment and I can live for myself and find happiness now. I'm in a healthy, happy relationship. The next challenge is finding a decent job that will bring in enough money for us to find our own place.
(Sorry, I felt the need to share these things today. I woke up this morning feeling extremely paranoid and anxious and the feeling hasn't completely gone away. I'm kind of stuck in a weird funk and I can't shake it. This happens once in a great while. Usually I'm a much happier person, but today is a rough day.)
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