Cocoon in Random Thoughts

Not the movie :)

All I want to do, as I lay here wrapped in purple down comfort, is stay. In quiet. Alone. Warm. Protected

(From what? By whom?)

Feeling a little off, a little down. Not sure why, but maybe, maybe, maybe

House was inspected Friday night. She needs a new roof, but structurally she is sound. This gives my realtor room to negotiate the seller paying the closing costs. Still, there is an appraisal, and a sewer scope to ensure the sewer lines are clear and whole.

Last night I sat in a private karaoke room, reserved for my brother and his wife’s visit (more for wife, it’s not my choice for a Saturday eve) and Jamie stopped by. Funnily, we haven’t spent much time in a public place surrounded by a lot of people. All I wanted was the two of us. And it reminded me that, while we may have the same career, our lives are much different. Not saying it’s a bad thing, I just know we’ve been insular with our time, our selves, our outer worldly interactions. He lives a life of privilege (comparatively) and really enjoys his (upper) middle class comforts. I live a somewhat fringe existence. No tv, no micro or dishwasher, unmatched dishes, thrift store clothing…

Ah well. My love. He wants to build me a table for the little sunny breakfast nook, and teach me to build the benches that will sit beneath the windows. And my dear friend Mandie will help me with tiling the kitchen (currently it’s ugly rental laminate).

And tonight. My love, my D, has made us a play date with another lady who is learning to be a D. I am excited to be an s to two.

And I think this is part of my sadness. She is coming up from Eugene and will be staying the night with him. Our Sunday ritual of dinner with his wife and my sleepover is being disrupted and it makes me sad. I don’t think it’s jealousy, but as the time arrives I will be able to tell I hope.

And, for honesty’s sake, because I can be so here and it benefits no one for me to keep it inside… Last night Jamie was sweetly commenting on how adorable my brother and his wife (married one year now) are and how they are so obviously in love.

And I knew, not matter how much in love we are, that I will never be in that place with Jamie. All my adult life I have had this poor vision of me as unmarriable, unable to commit, that no one would ever love me enough to marry me, want to have children with me.

I know it’s distorted thinking, it’s what I have leftover from a much larger world of distortion I used to live in. But it hurts. It makes me feel as if I am just temporary. It makes me scared because I am so consumed by love, so happy, and after so many years of ether trying to make it work with the wrong person or just plain feeling like I am undeserving of such love.

Well, my friends. Time for brunch. This one was a downer, but it’s ok.

Much Love,

Carmen

Last updated May 22, 2016