Give it, if you have it to give. Love. Friendship. Caring. Compassion. Whatever. *EDIT* in Other shit.

I'm taking a break....staring at the sparkling wine. Wishing a bottle of it was cold so I could drown my sorrows in the sweet bubbles and forget who it is I love.

Alas. I have too much to do to drink anything away. (this reminds me of Justin Timberlake's song "I can't drink you away....")

I am having an Open House tomorrow. I told everyone just to stop by after about 8.30 on. I don't know who will come and who will not. But, honestly if it's just me, Zia and Froggy? I'm good with that.

We'll eat and drink...(well not Froggy!) and be merry. Or...I'll pretend to be merry. Zia is driving from Atlanta to come up. She always comes up for New Year's. I never usually DO anything or plan much. But it's become her tradition. She couldn't always make it for Christmas when she was in Washington state but she could almost always get here for New Year's Eve.

She didn't used to drink with me though. But here lately she is. And I like that. I only really drink a bit during the holidays. Otherwise it's just a glass now and then when I'm cooking with it.

I'm going to be making Asian meatballs with some kind of peanut hoisin sauce, chicken parmigiana sliders ( or something), spinach dip and rotel sauce (That is what my roommate always called it. But it's really just cheese dip with rotel in it....like in the commercials...) I got like four bags of tortilla chips so let's hope everyone who stops by has got the munchies. I'm also doing that mini weenies in bbq sauce annnd.....spoonfuls of blackeyed peas for luck. Everyone has to take a bite.

I am seriously doing it different this year. Usually I have a nice big dinner all the foods are for luck. None of the foods go together but like I do long asian noodles for long life (thai) ...lentils and/or black eyed peas for money (italian and American)...etc. A whole boiled chicken for prosperity (chinese).

But we'll have to settle for just the black eyed peas.

I'm SO NOT in the mood for this shit. But when I made plans I thought everything would be okay with Lion and I. Ugh. I don't want to talk about it. It hurts something awful. Like it just hurts sooo terribly much. It is absolutely unbearable and I honestly don't know how I'm getting through my days.

Anyhoo.

I am making a Pear Cream Tart for dessert.... I was going to make a bunch of small tarts and stuff. Like mini desserts. Small lemon tarts with meringue cookies etc. But it is just too much damn work. I'm tired.

I'm physically tired. I'm emotionally tired. My SOUL is tired. My spirit is about dead.

And CHRISTMAS is not even finished for Froggy and I. We still have to go do Christmas with a few people and it's just DRAINING THE LIFE out of me. I am ready for it to be over.

I barely existed through the holidays this year. I have never felt so small. So insignificant in my life. And it's really just...? Devastating me.

Anyhoooooooooo. I try so hard not to think about it. But how? HOW do you NOT think about the person you're in love with? How do you NOT let it effect every second of every day that that person can't or won't care about you?

SOB...I wasn't going to do this. But here I am.

I need to think about cooking. I have to make a lot of it tonight so I'm not assed out tomorrow.

I wish I had room in the fridge for the Pear Cream Tart so I could go ahead and make it tonight. It's kind of like a cheesecake with thinly sliced apples or pears on top and nuts if you want. I might do a few nuts I don't know.

Today when we left WalMart there was a young hippie couple sitting on their army surplus bag right at the light. Where there is that little bit of concrete in the middle of the road. He looked like a weedhead. And she looked stoned to death. Or starving to death. I couldn't tell.

I almost never have cash on me. I always use a debit card. But I keep emergency money in the glove compartment. But I'd been using it for this or that. So I thought it was all gone.

I took my seatbelt off and I said out loud, "I just don't think I have any cash..." And Froggy was like, "So what if you don't have any cash?"

"I need it."

Froggy: For what?

And so I am searching the glove compartment and there are six one dollar bills. And I search my purse for change and shit but there's nothing.

And I roll the window down and motion for him to come here and he takes the money and he's says what they all say, "Bless you thank you so much..."

I roll the window back up. And froggy says to me...

"That made ME feel good."

I looked in the rearview mirror and smiled at him.

Then we are driving to the next store and I think it's forgotten even though I feel sad inside for them. To be out in the cold. Hungry. EVen if they turn around and use the money for drugs. I still feel bad for them. I still hurt for them. For their "want." Whatever it is. Drugs. Food. Shelter. Warmth. Just a place to be. Who knows.

But Froggy says to me a little later...."If I had my money with me I would have let you give it to him."

UGH. My heart...can't take more emotional shit right now. And I feel for them. I'm hurting for myself and now my son is going to rip my heart out with his sweet compassionate nature...

Me: I know you would have. I would have given him more but I didn't have more to give.

Froggy: It really made me feel good, mama. That you gave him what you could. It made me proud of you.

OMG.....SOB!!!!!!

I fucking started crying after he said that. Quietly. There were tears streaming down my face while I drove.

I had to take the time to tell him not to let anyone tell him not to give if he felt he wanted to give. My father used to tell me what nasty people beggars were. That they were lower than low.

He told me this most of my life. He would give them money if they were DOING something for it. But if they weren't I could see it took everything in him not to spit in their face. And it HURT ME to see how judgemental he was towards them.

We can not know what brought these people to the position they are in. Needing to beg for a little bit of money. I have faith that that couple will eat tonight because of what I gave them and not use it for drugs or alcohol or whatever. And I have a very POIGNANT story about a beggar in Hawaii which I told in the Open Diary. And won't retell now. That made me incredibly angry. Because I gave this guy like my last coins. I have SO LITTLE money in Hawaii. I was barely making it.

Anyway. I firmly believe if you have it to give you should give it.

My mother says it best by saying "What if that is God or Buddha asking you for money? Or water?" (Or whatever.)

Anyway. I feel hopeful that my son will be a good person. When he says things like that to me.

It also makes me feel like I might be doing a halfway decent job with him.

I'm really struggling right now. With my choice to allow myself to be so vulnerable to this man I fell in love with a year and a half ago. I am struggling with the fact I fell so hard. And now I'm in this position. Unable to let go and also unable to cope with how he's not taking care of our relationship.

It shouldn't be this hard. Even from the distance. Even with our circumstances. We both accepted what we had to in order to have this relationship. And so with that acceptance. With some maintenance and caring everyday. We should be fine. We should be good.

But he is so neglectful. And he pushes me aside whenever he feels like he is too busy or he has too many other obligations. I just don't do that to him. I never neglect him. I'm not saying I've never ignored him here and there when we've been fighting.

But I don't just neglect him on a regular everyday basis. NO matter how busy I am. NO matter who is around. I always make time. SOMEHOW.

He will neglect me with no regret for it. No apologies for it. NOTHING. Like he feels absolutely NOTHING for neglecting me. OR not taking care of our relationship.

I just don't know what to do. I feel like he is not taking this relationship seriously and never really has. I've always been last on the list. I've always felt like a nuisance in his life. And he HATES for me to say that. BUT GOD. LISTEN! LISTEN TO ME!

If I am telling you I feel like a nuisance in your life how are you going to get MAD about that? I mean isn't the better reaction to CARE that your loved one feels like she's bothering you? Feels like a nuisance to you? What are YOU doing to make her feel like that?

You know? But that would be the way someone IN LOVE would care about it. So it's like okay you SAY you care you SAY you love me. But at some point your actions and choices have to REFLECT THAT.

Or their just words.

I love him. Through thick and thin I love him. But he has not been there for me in the bad times. He thinks he is because he sends me emails arguing. But he's NOT there for me.

I have to face the facts at some point.

And the way I am ALREADY feeling? As devastated as I am right now. I feel like facing the facts is going to kill me. I don't know how to be that strong. To accept the truth and reality. Which is that he can't possibly love me.

Not the actions and choices he's making. You know. It's not going to fix anything for him to admit he sees he's neglectful. Or for him to admit that he doesn't really care for the relationship like he should.

But it sure would make me feel like MY feelings matter. Like OKAY at least he SEES it. At least he REALIZES that.

But I think part of the reason why he is so blinded by his own shit is because admitting it would mean having to do something about it if he cares and loves me right?

I mean if you seee that you're not doing something right and you ADMIT you see it. Then that means you have to put the effort to make it right and I think THAT'S WHY he is so blinded. Because he doesn't want to have to put that effort to make things right.

To do better in not neglecting me. To treat me better and with more consideration.

I don't fucking know anymore.

I know I'm hurting. And it's become unbearable and I know he isn't caring about it.

He gives every reason under the sun why he SHOULDN'T or CAN'T do what he needs to.

But isn't the fact he loves me REASON ENOUGH to DO what he should? What he can? When he can?

Shouldn't that be REASON ENOUGH?

I mean you can give me ten million VALID reasons for NOT calling. For NOT caring. But what good does that do for EITHER ONE OF US?

Why isn't he thinking about the reasons why he SHOULD call. Or why he SHOULD care? Why he SHOULD take care of me? Why he SHOULD care about how "I" feel? What "I'm" going through?

Wouldn't THAT be more PRODUCTIVE to think in THOSE terms?

Instead he focuses on why he ISN'T going to do what he can to help the situation. He focuses on all the reasons he IS NOT going to do the things I need to feel loved and cared about.

I don't understand if he loves me why he would do that. Why he wouldn't do everything under the sun to PROGRESS. Not to let it just lay there and suffocate to death while he watches. WTF?

SOb....!!!! I don't know how I'm going to cook feeling like this. I don't know how I get up in the morning.

He thinks I'm nuts. But FUCK. He is MY EVERYTHING. OF COURSE I'm DEVASTATED. OF COURSE I'm having a hard time!

The fact he doesn't get that should really tell me how he feels about ME that he is fine. That he goes about his days just fine.

I'm such a fucking idiot.

I don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to love. I don't want to fucking feel anything.

I shared my entire self with him. Private moments. I shared EVERYTHING with him. I allowed myself to be COMPLETELY OPEN AND VULNERABLE and he shit on me for it. He berated me for being open enough with my emotions to cry in front of him. He laughed in my fucking face.

He doesn't deserve for me to love him this much. He doesn't deserve for me to feel this much pain over him.

I don't know how this can be fixed anymore. Every day I wake up OPEN to him. OPEN to him trying to make things right. EVERY DAY.

EVERY FUCKING DAY I wake up and HOPE.

FOR WHAT?

He thinks he doesn't deserve for me to yell at him! He thinks that he can wait this out. That he can do NOTHING. And it will all go away. The only thing that will go away is ME.

And it fucking HURTS SO BAD to have put him first in my life. To have made HIM MY LIFE. To have made plans in my head for a year and a half.

Only to know that if I walk away? He will not even care. He will easily forget me.

He feels no connection to me. No nothing.

I keep thinking if I write in another book that I will not write about my hurt. But here I am writing about it.

Let's end this agonizing entry.

Here are the links to recipes if you want them for the Asian Meatballs and the Chicken Parmigiana Hors d'oeuvres (or however in the fuck you spell it).

The spinach dip I do is from the Knorr Vegetable recipe mix envelope.

The Rotel sauce. Is simply velveeta melted with a can or two of the Rotel added.

If anyone wants the recipe for the Pear Cream Tart.....I will maybe post it in my other book about food and crafts when I have time. But if no one asks for it I probably won't post it.

I'm also making a homemade pizza with crescent roll dough that is really yummy in a pinch. I don't really eat pizza on the South Beach diet. Although HOLY SHIT I've ate a lot of sugar. And I haven't gained anything cause I"m eating SO LITTLE. But I can feel in my body I"m not eating right. UGH...

Anyway. The pizza is VERY SUPER EASY. I saw the recipe in a magazine and love it because I can easily make it JUST for Froggy. By cutting the recipe in half and only using ONE can of crescent rolls. There's a simple secret that makes the dough not be soggy. It was a recipe for BBQ chicken Pizza. I have also made the hawaiian pizza for him like that. And he loooves it.

I'm going to make the BBQ chicken later this week for my friend's little late Christmas luncheon. I hope I have lots of Pear Cream Tart left so I don't have to make something sweet again.....

Oh shit. I just remembered I forgot to take pictures of the damn NINJAbread cookie men! They were soooo cute! They were not as neatly iced as I like to do but the kids apparently loved them. Sensei's mother was there visiting for Nevada Saturday and she loved them so much she called me just to tell me.

TOO BAD THE COOKIES WERE FROM A MIX IN A BOX!!!! LOL!!! The ONE time I use a cookie MIX!

But I think they were so good cause instead of molasses it called for honey. And it made the gingerbread taste so much better. I'm not crazy about molasses.

Anyway I wish I would have taken pictures. They were a little bit messy and I asked Froggy as he was looking at my icing work, "Do you want to take them? You don't have to if you don't want to. I don't want to embarass you..LOL"

And he shrugs his shoulders and I think to myself..."hm...damn. Maybe they look worse than I thought. I mean I'm not exactly adept at drawing Ninja faces."

And so I ask him again. "Do you want to take them to class?"

Froggy: Yes.

Me: You don't look too sure. You don't have to. You can just keep them here and eat them....?

Froggy: I want to take them but...

Me: ? But what?

Froggy: But there's just so few. I will only get one.

LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HERE I was thinking he was disappointed in my artwork with the icing. And he was being GREEDY!

He took them. And I promised him I would make more and he could even decorate next time. So. Another promise to keep. Before he goes back to school.

Sob.........

Yes. Always comes back to Lion. Ugh. Sob....

I miss him so much. I don't understand why he can't see what he's doing to us. Why he can't see he's NOT doing for the relationship the VERY MINIMUM it needs to survive.

Which is not even fair to ME. To do that MINIMUM. But I would take it right now. I would take the bare minimum.

Sob... I miss him. I miss him. He is hurting me so badly.

Boop.

EDIT Oops. Forgot to include the links to the two recipes...

Chicken Parmigiana Hors D'oeuvres

Asian Turkey Meatballs with Hoisin Peanut Sauce

Just tried the links. The first one works the second one doesn't seem to. But if you REALLY want it. Then right above where the recipe begins for the CHICKEN PARM things? She has a little thing to click on "HERE" it says. For more Hors d'oeuvres recipes. Right directly above where she begins the chicken recipe. If you click on the "here" and go see her other appetizer recipes then you will find the Asian meatballs.

Boop.