Monday, May 9th, 2016 @ 1:00 AM
So I realized that this month is Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness month, I have BPD. It got me to thinking so I looked up videos about people’s experiences and of course the majority match up with what I feel but it made me realize something, to read about it on wikipedia and see it/read it from someone who is experiencing it like me really makes me see how much darker my world really is and how people who don’t have this cannot understand at all what it feels like. I like to imagine myself in an anime or as an animated character in this story where an all powerful being (not god but like a being with a lot of power) and it puts me through all this and it says every night before It allows me to fall asleep ” You don’t have to suffer like this, here are the images of everybody you know and even random strangers you walked into today and you can dump/transfer all of these bad feelings, disorders, and emotions onto any person you choose and you don’t have to suffer anymore. Each night I tell him “No, I will not make another person suffer the same that I do or even worse, nobody deserves to go through this hell on earth and I’d rather suffer then let anybody else.”
Honestly at this point the only thing gives me any hope, any tiny light is that I will have a peaceful afterlife and that all this suffering on earth is rewarded in the afterlife. I still image though that when I die there is nothing and all this suffering is for nothing. I read a lot of near death experiences and got a lot of hope from the stories but another part of me thinks “What if that is their last bit of brain activity or consciousness before they die and it is all in their dying head?” I don’t want anybody else to suffer what I suffer, see what I see, I want to die knowing I went through this life so someone else wouldn’t have. I am surprised that I haven’t been hospitalized. I don’t know why but I think it is more because I keep the majority of my thoughts and feelings inside only taken out when I cut or snort drugs. Sometimes though I look at my medicine and try to imagine a cocktail that would put me to sleep forever. I don’t know how I am strong enough to be battling this on my own without being hospitalized I don’t know.
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