My therapist wants me to write regularly and was disappointed when I told her that I hadn’t written anything in a few weeks. She said I should just sit down without a plan and write about my thoughts, so I’m going to try to do that.
The biggest thing I think about these days is that fact that I’m 18 and completely sexually inexperienced. I don’t know what to make of the fact that I’ve never had sex, never dated, never even kissed anyone, and really never had a strong desire to do any of those things. I’m not completely without a sex drive, but masturbating every few weeks seems to be enough for me.
And I know the fact that I can’t even say for sure if I’m attracted to men or women really speaks volumes about my disinterest.
My sister asked me recently that if I had a naked man and a naked woman standing in front of me, which would I most want to look at. I thought about it seriously and decided I would look at the women because I would admire her body and wish mine looked more like hers.
She questioned, “Neither of them would turn you on?”
Again I thought about it, and I said that naked people turn me on to a certain extent. There’s something sexy about seeing body parts that you ordinarily don’t get to see. I also thing there’s something that I guess I’d call “humiliation” that is sexy. Like the humiliation of being naked and having someone just look at you seems kind of erotic.
She didn’t press me any further. But if the question was: which one would I want to have sex with, I think the answer would be the guy. Mostly because I understand penises and know what I would do with one. I have no concept of how to touch a vagina.
I wonder if anyone would want to be with me sexually anyway? I don’t say that out of pity for myself, just the reality that I can’t imagine someone wanting to have sex with someone who identifies as a woman but has a penis. Maybe there are people out there that are into that.
I feel the need to identify myself as falling into one of four categories:
1. Attracted to men only
2. Attracted to women only
3. Attracted to both
4. Attracted to neither
But none of those seem to fit. I feel like I can eliminate number 2 because I know I feel at least some attraction to men. That being the case, I guess I can eliminate number 4. I guess I’m making progress just by writing this out. So the final question is if I’m attracted to both men and women, or just men. And I don’t know the answer to that.
In other news, I graduate high school in two weeks. This is a big deal not only for the obvious reason, but because I have decided to continue to remain relatively masculine in how I present myself at school. I wear women’s clothes but nothing overly feminine. Once I am done with school I feel like I’ll be released from having to do that and I will wear more of what makes me comfortable.
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