Kvetching in Normal entries

My handle on certain educational milestones is pretty accurate within a year or so. I remember when Santa died, when I felt that first quiver of finding a clit and later a G-spot, when I discovered we expect our candidates to be pristine and elected officials to soiled to the core, when I learned that passing out wasn’t just a really good high, that most American “Literature” is small fish in a small pond (e.g. for the short story you can put Twain on a pedestal almost as tall as Maupassant, but on the other pedestals? They ain’t speaking English let alone American).

What I don’t remember is when I fully grasped the entire theory of evolution. Ok, fully grasped the part that fascinates me; adaptation. I’m not saying I was a slow learner or that I denied the theory, ever, just saying … something. I woke up from a stupid little nap a stupid few minutes ago. I hate those things. I have such gross insomnia that it almost feels like I’m being mocked in a pseudo psnarky psnarcastic way by having them at all. And you know all those dreams I don’t have when I sleep. Those stupid little fuckers love napping.

So to tie everything (meaning those two paragraphs) together, why on earth would a mostly hairless critter with a relatively small jaw and half a mouth of useless teeth for a predator, short claws, center of balance in the most exposed way, adapt a vulnerability of being unconscious for six to eight hours a night, or even two to four? Oh the hairless critter is you and probably me, though I’m pretty hairy for a human.

Of the many critters on this planet who are bigger and badder than we are, a good chunk of them hunt at night, when, traditionally we sleep, because, one more bad adaptation, our night vision isn’t very good critter wise but it’s better than our sense of smell. You can’t just say “Because we have tools and weapons and shit yo” because 1) We didn’t when we were shorter and lived near the water and 2) Even a nuclear war head needs it’s launcher to be awake (thank god we haven’t invented the sleeping launch. Yet. Or that we know of.).

You could say “Because we live in a pack and shit yo” Yeah, so do wolves, who are such bad asses that they didn’t even need to develop cell phones or Monarchy (Oligarchy, Democracy, Dictatorship, chiefdoms, Church run State, or even whatever the fuck it is we have, I mean, it’s like a democracy but we spy on our citizens and the myth of santa lived longer than the myth of the popular vote, it’s like a monarchy, the guy who does have nuclear warheads has people to stay awake for him, and the last guy declared war twice without approval of the check and balance system that involves the house, senate, and sometimes allies as embodied by the UN and NATO. We’re kind of like an oligarchy, ruled by a group who can spell oligarchy but isn’t 100 precent sure on the meaning, except in the broad fact, if it feels wrong don’t get caught.).

Wolves, however, are dogs, and dogs are good critters and somehow didn’t have the sense to adapt a basic fear and hatred of hairless, bad toothed, short clawed, middle balanced critters. I mean you. Me and wolves are cool, I mean we’re ok with one another, behind my back they say my mom dresses me funny and I can’t sing.

Also, wolves sleep too. Seems like an equally bad idea, though before we started using tools, wolves were naturally less vulnerable, there are still some kitty cats that are bigger than dogs, even on this continent (no tiggers or lyons, but those things called mountain lyons? That’s a big fucking cat. I wanna say there were panthers in the deep south but the idea is cloudy). At the moment the biggest danger to wolves are humans. Michigan repealed the Wolf-as-Game law. Even so, in Wisconsin and Minnesota, the two states I know that still have wolf hunting laws, less than four years old, the humans aren’t random; they’re hunters. Their moms dress them real funny, they drink a lot and sleep a lot. Moms and drinking aren’t an evolutionary adaptation. Sleeping is.

Before any smart ass tells me about chemical and hormonal chemical releases during sleep that heal and calm or that sleeps allows the bat shit crazy sub conscious to debrief, keep in mind that happens from sleep. There are other adaptations that could have resulted in those things or, better yet, the lack of necessity for em. Lifespan. Let’s say the sleepless human, if we’d gone that way, only lived to sixty instead of ninety (arbitrary numbers for easier math and because what age do people normally get hit by a car or et by a mountain lyon?) and the sleepy one lived to ninety. The sleepy slept for thirty years so it works out the same. Plus he/she walks around like an eighty year old for at least ten years.

Yes. I am bitching about sleeping. I’m complaining about your forefathers dumbass evolution. I almost wish the whole Darwin/Jesus thing was a real either or and Jesus kicked Chucks ass and rescinded nictating membranes, vestige tails, appendix, male nipples and sleep. In real life JC and CD never met and have no beef and aren’t in any kind of opposition. If I joined them for coffee they’d both say “Sleeping dawg? Seriously, you’re bitching about sleeping? You know I’m not in charge of that, but, if I were … wtf? Sleeping?” and then, because they said it together, they’ll say “Jinx!” and then tickle one another. Meanwhile the waiter will say to me “Do you mean a Breve Latte?”