Strange shrinking today. I get pretty dang abstract. In general I tend to eschew the linear whenever practical (I say as though it’s a matter of will. Bolshevik!). If I didn’t know that about me it’d come as a shock, I’m sure. It may resemble a defense mechanism. I don’t know. I worked really hard to learn how to express abstraction with some modicum of clarity. Not saying I’ve been successful, just that I worked hard at it. Not saying I failed either.
Sometimes, though, it’s like filigree on the moulding, it looks more important than it is. Sometimes it’s the foundation, the only thing holding the building up. Fuck. I’ve been talking that all day. Except for the precious few hours with GF and dog. She is a reason. A reason for what might you might ask in a linear sort of way. A reason for me, a reason for everything.
Good god I don’t need a reason. I sure want that reason though. Sorry, esoteric reference. To what, you might ask, having stood with the linear you are now committed. To something esoteric that I’m sorry for. Jesus H Christ, shall I tattoo it on my fore paws?
Oh, oh, oh. I forgot where I saw it, some clip of film in some movie or other, maybe TV. Both the man and woman had a tattoo of an eye on their ankle, and the shot was your classic two bare ankles poking out of the sheets shot. The eyes were looking at the camera. It was a cool effect, detracted from the rather mundane “two naked people in bed, see the ankles?” sort of Hollywood story telling, but it was compelling. Not compelling enough for me to remember the rest of the show, but that was a cool shot.
I had an epiphany in 1989. I know. At least once a year I’ve written about it. I’m just saying, I had an epiphany in 1989 and it hasn’t seemed like something worth telling the shrink about it. It’s possible that’s because I’ve got short timers or that I think I’m in it for the long haul. Pragmatically it might be because I’ve wrung every single drop of meaning from that epiphany already, that if it has anything to do with anything or everything to do with nothing or any combination of vice and versa’s, it’s already done it’s work and is already integral to what makes a thing a thing or already not relevant.
I don’t know. Part of todays shrinking had to do with here, on-line journaling. I think online journaling is already scaled to fit, I mean it doesn’t need more or less shrinking, sort of like epiphanies though for wildly different and fantastically similar reasons.
Still have no clue as to whether or not I want to continue, which seems like as good a reason to continue as not. I mean I’d know for sure if I didn’t want too. Seems kind of silly to dip your toe in the water if you weren’t planning on going for a swim. The water is tepid. Seems ok to me.
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