Yeah, so, fuck. One of the things that one hopes for happened shrink-wise today, I mean for me. Another thing you hope doesn’t happen happened for dude. The idea of talk therapy is that you keep talking until old shit makes sense, sort of like free association writing where you just sit down and type, let go of the reins and hope the pony takes you somewhere special.
Somehow we got to talking about hitch-hiking. I suppose I could remember if I tried, but I used the word somehow because I didn’t lead the talk that direction, it came up organically. I actually didn’t say outloud the thing that the talk lead too. I didn’t have it straight until until I was down the first flight of stairs. There’s an old code I knew to be true when I was traveling, and tried living by for decades afterward; When you stop, or even slow down, everything catches up to you. Valuable or not, true or not, it isn’t a very helpful insight to have after you’ve been stopped for a while.
I guess I was talking about insomnia, I haven’t been sleeping well the past few nights. I told him something along the lines of having crossed the country coast to coast without sleeping. I added as an afterthought how sometimes I would sleep for fourteen hours when I got to where I was going (which is easier to say straight-forward than ‘when I got to where I got’ which was more often the case). I rambled past that into something else. At the end he said something that, despite the shrink talk, translated into something dangerous for him. He basically said he liked me. I think it would be less dangerous if he had just said he liked me. I’m likable.
It took that first flight of stairs to remember why I’d go coast to coast without sleeping. Ok, not the whole why, but the no sleeping why. Because when you stop everything catches up. I called it a code back in the second paragraph. It’s not the right word, but adage was the one I was thinking. It’s not an adage. Everyone knows what it means and everyone who needs to knows how it applies, but it’s not a saying, it’s sort of the opposite; you only say it out loud when you’ve stopped and there’s nothing to be done for it. Otherwise it’s like saying the sky is blue (shut up, yes we all know how smart you are just as we all know it looks blue from here); it’s not a saying, it’s just a thing everyone knows.
I don’t mean the faux shrink wants to sleep with me by he likes me. That’d be weird and I’d stop going. I just mean it’s hard to be objective when you like someone. The GF lightly suggested before I started with shrink that I could talk to her. I can and I’ll tell her anything but it’s a bit like asking your mom to read your novel and give feedback; it’s not going to be objective. Ok, it’s also a lot different than asking your mom to read your novel; you didn’t write it for her. I wouldn’t be able to pretend I wasn’t talking to a beautiful woman I am smitten with. When I talk to her I am very aware I am talking to a beautiful woman with whom I’m smitten. It taints the conversation. To keep with the free association writing analogy, it’d be like writing with Moliere’s favorite quill, it would supercede the quiet you need for your brain to create without impediment.
Fuck. See what I mean? Don’t stop, shit catches up with you. I have a practical and specific goal with the shrink the same way as I do when free association writing. With the writing it’s stumble across something interesting through blanking out every notion of interesting before you start. With the head shrinking I’m hoping to find some link between my head and body. Too much shit is going on with my body that doesn’t have a clear empirical cause. I think the cause is somewhere in my head, likely stress or anxiety based. If I can put a finger on it I can change it. It’s also possible I’m mistaken, but it’s a route that bears exploration.
One of the upsides and downsides to the philosophy of not stopping is that you don’t have to reflect much. That’d be all upside if you don’t stop. I fucking stopped. It’s not entirely literal, but it’s also literal. I mean you don’t have to be in constant motion, but you do need momentum, I mean I stopped hitch-hiking decades ago, or, rather, I haven’t done it in decades, I could do it tomorrow, I mean there wasn’t a conscious choice. But I kept other momentum going. It was the unspoken part about starting off the year writing every day, again. In theory I’d be more satisfied if I was writing shit I liked better than what I’ve been writing, but, momentum wise quality and quantity are tangential to the issue of going and stopping.
People run in this town. They have bright shoes and those skin tight wicking bright jogging clothes and they run. Not everybody, and among those that do some wear old gray sneakers and old gray sweats, but that’s too fine a point. There are stop-lights. You can tell those who love jogging from those who are trying to lose weight or get in shape or … something. The ones who love it jog in place at the stoplight. If you stop or slow down everything catches up to you. If you put your hands on your knees at the stoplight you might as well have a cab company on speed-dial.
I’m not interested in jogging. That would have made todays old insight valuable; I could start jogging. I suppose I could anyway. I misspoke with not interested in jogging. I hate jogging and the feeling is mutual. I mean I hate the physical act of me jogging and, you know, it’s not much of a spectator sport, though, you know, women in tight clothing sweating and bouncing … Except a woman in good jogging shape doesn’t do a lot of bouncing.
Oh, I was sort of watching some tom cruise movie while doing other things. He runs like a director taught him to run; for effect, he runs like someone who knows the camera can make him taller and faster. His back is very straight, almost curved backwards, and his hands are flat and straight like knife blades, and because the camera makes the good guy faster and better, he always catches up to the bad guy whether the script has him succeeding or not. Having played more baseball than anything else, and having been fast, once upon a time, I always ran low and balanced to slide at any moment, which gives a certain asymmetry to the arms and looseness to the hands. Next to baseball I played a lot of football. Wide receiver. Ran low but ready to get airborne and arms and hands needed to be ready to change stride. I guess I haven’t watched a lot of track, but tom cruise doesn’t seem to run like anyone trying for speed or strength. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. The way he runs makes me dislike his acting even more.
I don’t dislike him in everything not like I dislike, say, Tracey Morgan, but his name on the marquis alone would not pull me into a theatre. Ok, shit, I committed to trying to write daily. This is the sort of nonsense that happens. Hopefully, one day, it’ll be better, but I know I shouldn’t stop. Everything catches up when you do that.
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