Wow, I have to admit I’m a little bit nervous. It’s my first fan blog! But I saw somebody else doing one and thought it was an amazing idea. So here we go.
First, a little bit about me. I eat at Subway every day. It actually started out as the “Jared Diet” - basically I walked to Subway every day for dinner until it became habit. But then that pedophile got caught and went to prison, and it pretty much fucked up my whole, “Yeah, I’m doing the Jared Diet!” thing. Plus I haven’t actually lost any weight (gained thirteen pounds, truth be told), probably because my favorite sub is the foot long meatball.
And, well, I decided the whole “walking” thing was pointless as well, so I drive my Honda Civic there and typically park on the west side.
There’s a young lady who works there named Lisa Baxter (this is her fan blog, YAY!). She’s super nice and is really really good at customer service. She is always smiling and never fails to brighten my day. She’s quite lovely and you can tell that hygiene really matters to her. Her clothes are always clean and neat. She really does care about making an amazing impression.
And she always prepares my sandwich correctly, which is a big deal to me. That prick Zack – GAWD I hate when I get him. He usually works the day shift but he’s there a lot on Wednesday nights which drives me up the wall. One time he was taking my order - a foot long Black Forest Ham on Italian Herbs and Cheese bread – and well, first, he put on too many olives. Who the fuck wants two solid inches of black olives on their sub? But you know, fine. Whatever. No biggie. But then I ask for “just a little bit of mayo. Go light on the mayo.”
Motherfucker picks up the plastic squeeze tube of mayo - the one where the tip has been cut way too low and there’s this three-quarter inch diameter hole in the top – the fucker squeezes it as hard as he can and basically puts forth a foot long penis-shaped mayo log on my sub. Fucking Zack.
But this blog isn’t about Zack the prick. It’s about Lisa Baxter, and she’s a total sweetheart. And she smells nice too.
Today I ordered the foot long meatball and Lisa made it perfectly. She is SO good. You want a Subway ARTIST, Lisa has the skills. Oh my god she is so good. Perfect amount of marinara - not too dry, but not enough to gush out when you bite into it, spraying out boiling hot marinara all over your chin and dripping down your neck, burning you alive as you scream in agony. Nope. Just that right amount for meatball perfection. She added enough lettuce and spinach to add a touch of healthy crispness, but not enough to drown out that primal cry of MEAT. And she wasn’t stingy with the parmesan. A lot of Subway employees, they give the parmesan shaker a quick shake with a limp wrist, and act like they’ve done you some tremendous favor. Not Lisa - she works that parmesan like a professional. I get worked up just thinking about it.
I’ll try to keep you all updated daily on what I eat and how well Lisa Baxter prepares it. I also have some fan fiction in mind. And if I get really brave, maybe I will do a live podcast from Subway while I try flirting with her.
On second thought, no. No podcasts. Sorry. I feel like that would maybe be a violation of Lisa’s privacy. I wouldn’t do that to her.
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