March 11th, 2016 12:42AM
Of course I decide to write in my journals that I am happy for once and then the day turn completely sour on me and make me feel the worst I have felt. I must be a strong person because no matter what I go through I hardly ever cry because of it but tonight is different it almost actually brought me to tears but I was able to stop it before my eyes formed any. You know the statement “The people who try their hardest to make others happy are often the ones who are the most depressed.” Is very true. It is the type of person I am, I would sacrifice anything for my friends and loved ones just to make them happy and not feel what I feel. Yet I seem cursed as the people in my RL never return the courtesy, I grew up being bullied and I ended up with friends that often bullied me. We would be good friends and then hate each other and then be good friends etc and it is just a cycle repeating itself like an abusive relationship. Yet no matter what they do I just latch on to the days when we laugh and be friends rather then when they hurt me so in the end it’s just I sacrifice everything only to end up getting hurt and it repeats over and over and over and there is nothing I can do about it. the worst part about my mental illnesses is my feeling of being truly alone in the world and even on good days when we are friends I still feel so very alone. No matter how many “friends” I seem to have even ones that are sincere, I don’t have that one friend who would be there for me thick and thin and that would choose me over other people no matter what sacrifices I make to keep them happy. My heart goes through so much pain and honestly I don’t even know how I get through it I just do.
Some day’s it hurts so bad that I am surprised it just doesn’t quit beating and some times I want it to quit beating but I know I am a disappointment in the eyes of god if he is real which I do believe that no matter what sacrifices I make for the benefit of others it will never make up for the sins I commit daily and even sometimes I wish death on people and I know it aint right and I am so sorry for it I beg god for forgiveness but I feel that I will not receive mercy because I myself feel I don’t deserve it no matter what good I do. I sacrifice a lot, I give the change I have to charities and sometimes homeless people to improve their life no matter how poor I am myself. In the end I don’t want friends, money, status, or fame I just want that if heaven is real that god accepts me into it and takes my pain away.
so what happened was that my supposed best friend never chooses me over other people to play with and I suppose that is a selfish wish on my part but I would do the same for him, he gets into a full game with his coworker and his coworkers friends and I ask if there is room for me-his best friend and he says no I choose Adam (his coworker) and then I ask if he would play with me tomorrow and got no response. and what started it was before he even got off work I texted him and asked him to play with me and got no response and i get done watching an episode of one of my favorite shows and I seem him online playing with them. Here is what I would have done, I am in a full lobby with friends or a friend and his friends, my best friend messages me saying “Hey I want to play is there a spot for me?” I would say to my friend if we could make room for my best friend and if he says no I would say “If there is not room for my best friend then there is not room for me.” and I would go play with my best friend, choosing him over the majority and making that sacrifice.
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