Relationfriends in Book Title.

I am scared of everyone and all this stuff makes me want to run away. I’m not equipped for passive resentments or love at first sight situations. I don’t pretend my feelings are insignificant in order to avoid conflict or protect a friendship. This is all out of whack. It gives me anxiety constantly when I think about it. Communication is the best I’ve got to turn to as a survival instinct to keep you in my life without inviting chaos on either side.

Erin, you were at my apartment discussing your children. We talked a lot about Ireland and the ups and downs of her poor lifestyle decisions. They affect you so deeply, with constancy, in ways that are crippling your happiness. They affect your boys and your family relationships. Its an out of control, scary, painful, daily reminder of some failure to reach her. There’s some reason she’s out there rejecting you as a mother and herself as a person. How do you find some resolution? What’s the problem or solution or motivation to continue? I don’t know the answers. I have ideas about my own circumstances, the feelings I starved and the feelings I fed, to share openly. It can help to see a similar set of life events from another perspective, sometimes, I think. I fear my choice of wording and timing and appropriate sharing are chosen unwisely. Insecurity prevents the strength to speak when our conflict is first acknowledged. I make up for missed opportunities in an unnatural context (for instance, when we’re saying goodbye, the intent to separate makes it safer to voice myself, and suddenly I feel the compulsion to address our misunderstandings and reinforce truths. This behavior ignores time restraints dictated by responsibility & productive efforts, such as dinner or meal time. Our friendship draws value from lingering in the importance between us, as it devalues from the reasons we had to say goodbye before). The meaning is lost. My good intentions lead to conflict, awkwardness and discomfort. Feeling attacked and anxious is nobody’s idea of a supportive friendship. My train of thought created hit and run conversations with emotional casualties. There are safer routes I could have chosen. If I read your body language it would mean accepting difficult truths- especially awareness of the virtue of patience and respect for wiser time investment.