The past twenty four hours showed up late. They were shooting for my birthday. I mean they weren’t horrible twenty four hours, just that things went wrong. Simple things went wrong in an extravagant way. I fell asleep in my chair watching this horrible direct to obscurity movie, skipping dvd to internet but not good enough for YouTube. I had a half of a mug of tomato bisque on my lap.
I woke at 1 AM with enough residual cognitive ability to take off the bisque-y PJ’s and put the mug far away (just in case it became a crime scene the mug and I had alibi’s; we weren’t even together. This morning my phone was buzzing some amber alert. I reached for it and drew back a paw of clotted red stuff. The residual cognitive stuff was gone and it took a full minute for me to disabuse myself of the notion that someone had shot or stabbed my phone. Like any idiot, I tasted it. Why do us idiots taste things we think are someone else’s blood? If I knew I wouldn’t be an idiot.
The next thing I did wasn’t exactly genius either. I started pushing the touch screen, effectively smearing bisque about. It didn’t work very well. I mean it didn’t respond to touch. I’ve spent part of my morning cleaning up evidence. I recalled at some point that the phone salesman said in his pitch for the otterbox cover that it was indestructible and once on could not come off. It struck me at the time and this morning that was bullshit. I went to YouTube. The guy spent the first thirty seconds explaining how he had injured his thumb and it was going to be harder for him so he’d use a screw-driver. A kindred spirit.
Turns out they are easy to remove and replace. And though the otterbox drank soup like a starving junkie at the Saint Vincent De Paul mission, it did protect the phone.
Much earlier in the day while I was still awake, I took a drive to see GF in the middle of heavy snowfall on untended roads. I was coming to bring comfort. I was too adrenaline filled from the drive to be comforting and she got a confusing phone call about a billing fuck up. So I left we us both jacked up. I had a faux shrink appointment which put me in five o clock traffic in even harder snow on even worse roads, or, what I assumed were roads underneath the dirty white. Without going into too much depth about causation, as I merged, I discovered my wipers were iced, not frozen, they worked, they just smeared the windshield when they passed and off the windshield was almost white out with driving snow.
I’m alive, car is undamaged, GF is not pissed off at me, the bisque bedding (comforter and pillow cases, is in the washing machine and phone is working just fine. In between all that I’ve been dropping things knocking into things (they either fall over or bark a shin, knee, elbow — I know vague, but it’s been happening all day so I don’t know where to start with specifics).
Oh, and the movie. I recommend sleeping through it. I wrote a review that amazon will probably discard. Although I didn’t use Bad language, the Good language I used was pretty dang offensive. I thought it was funny. Amazon would not let me cut and paste from draft screen.
I’m sure I’m missing other things, simple things gone horribly sideways, but, let’s pretend 24 is a magic number and that’s all the more this bisque magic can muster. The roads are still a mess but the sun is shining.
EDIT
Wow. They posted it. It’s neither as funny or as scathing as I remember from, you know, ten minutes ago;
The two stars are for the testicular fortitude it took to actually pick this film off the cutting room floor. It’s padded, the dialogue, with considerable repetition, an example not from the movie but very much like it;
D: I will do this thing.
G: Good.
D; Good?
G; You will do this thing.
D I will do this thing.
G; Good.
D; You say good? Is it because I will do this thing?
G; Yes, Good, you will do this thing.
D; I will.
G Good.
This is not hyperbole In fact I’m minimizing. It’s worth watching because of that alone and that alone wouldn’t be funny if they were trying to be funny. It’s like a cross between a poor mimicry of a failed monty python sketch and a bennigton commercial. Um, the tribes of Judea don’t need ethnic diversity, or, you know, British accents, the point of most of the old testament stories were that they were one people, semites.
With the exception of biblical qoutes the movie is a little embarrassed about the whole god thing. I don’t want to spoil this, I couldn’t, I’d like you to see it, because, it’s likely I don’t like you. I think I started watching it because the lead in was “Big Budget Epic” Heh. They must have spent the budget on coke and prostitutes. No offense.
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