Some days I am so sad and miss him so much. Other days I am just so thankful that I was able to spend 37 excellent weeks being pregnant with him that I feel a little guilty for being sad. During my pregnancy I learned so much. I learned more about pregnancy, and home birth and natural pain relief techniques. I was able to research and educate myself on topics that I felt were important for my pregnancy and for my son. I was able to talk with other women and read birth stories and it was empowering. Even now, I still am learning. I still read birth stories. And I read stillbirth stories. I learn about mthfr and clotting disorders. I educate myself on supplements and vitamins to help in the future. I strive to make myself healthier and instead of giving up and giving in, I move forward knowing that my pregnancy and my son made me stronger. I want his birth, and his death, to mean something. Because of him I am different. I will do things differently.
Those times I felt him kicking while I was trying to fall asleep at night or while I was taking a bath - they are so important. I didn’t realize it then, but those moments I spent with him would be some of the only memories I would have of our son. The two 3d/4d ultrasounds we had done where we were able to watch him for 15-20min seemed expensive a few months ago, but now they are priceless to us. What I wouldn’t give to just have had one more session - one more chance to see him. The sonogram photos and dvd’s that so many people forget about once their child is born are some of our most cherished possessions. His footprints that were enclosed in our memory box from the hospital are worth more to me than an original Monet or Van Gogh. I see so many people wishing their pregnancy would go by faster or hoping for their babies to come a little early, there were days when I did the same. Now I would give just about anything to go back in time and do it all over again. Even with the same outcome. I wish I would have paid more attention to his kicks and talked to him more and taken more photos. Most people think there will be time to take plenty of pictures once the baby is born - they think their child’s life is just beginning. I thought that too - I looked forward to it every minute of every day… I couldn’t wait to give birth and meet our son. I just wish I had known that I had already met him - and we already were as close as we could possibly be - his life wasn’t just beginning, it had already begun. If only I had known then how important it is to cherish every moment. But because of him I am different. Now, I will do things differently.
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