Birth Story in TTC #3 After Stillbirth

I want to share the story of Callums birth. It is just to beautiful to keep to myself and it is something that I am so proud of. Even though we could have never imagined the outcome of his birth, I had always known that Callum would be born in water, and he was. From the time he started moving inside me, I called him my water-baby. He moved so much when I would take a bath or get into the pool - you could just tell that he was comfortable, and so was I, when we were in the water. Late Saturday night/early Sunday morning around midnight I started having back pain accompanied by irregular, but strong contractions. I knew these contractions were real because of the location of pain and also because I was unable to talk through them. Adam watched the clock and attempted to keep track, but they were so irregular it seemed almost as if it were another false labor. Contractions ranged from 5 minutes apart to 16 minutes, but they all lasted right around 1 minute. Around 2:30am I asked Adam to wake up my mom because I was sure this was real labor. Of course as soon as she came downstairs the contractions stopped and I was talking normally... She went back to sleep and told me to walk around outside. For some reason it just wasn't what I felt like doing though and I laid back in bed for a while. I had three contractions 9 minutes apart while laying in bed. (I did not wake Adam up for these) Then I decided to get into the tub, which was already filled. At around 3:15 I began to have regular, strong contractions that were exactly 5 minutes apart. I had 4-5 of those and decided it was definitely not fair for Adam to be sleeping peacefully while I was feeling so much pain. I woke him up around 4am and immediately rushed to the toilet... this part was not pretty, but it is part of labor. This is when I knew our baby was coming soon! Every time I would get up from the toilet I felt I needed to go again, and I did. Around 4:30 I yelled at Adam that it was time to wake up my mom again. He went to get her and I don't think either realized that the baby was coming very soon. I am sure they thought we still had hours, but right when my mom came down I was standing in the bathroom leaning against the sink during a super-strong contraction and felt the urge to push. I thought it was another bathroom urge and ran to the toilet. Just as I was about to sit down my water broke and I felt Callum crowning. I rushed over to the tub, thank goodness the water was still in it and warm from earlier. I got in and as soon as I did I heard my mom tell Adam to start the coffee (they really had their priorities straight at this point). Apparently she realized there was no time for coffee and she called him back just in time to see Callums head come out. I remember asking at this point if anyone was going to take pictures and Adam ran to get the camera - he snapped about 6 photos and by that time Callum was completely out. It was at this point that my blissful birth turned surreal. I looked at my son and realized that there was nothing we could do. Not that we didn't try. My mind knew he was gone, but my mom and I both attempted to revive him. We knew exactly what to do... but for him nothing we did would have been enough. He had been gone for days, maybe even a week. Adam brought a towel to wrap him in and he called the paramedics. It took them what seemed like hours to arrive. We sat there in disbelief. Once they got to the house they cut Callums, thin, dark cord and he was, for the first time ever separated from me. It was not normal blood-filled, pulsating, living cord. But a cord unlike any I had seen before. The sight of his cord worried me so much and it still does. I was helped out of the bathtub and they told me I needed to go to the hospital. I felt so amazing - as if nothing was physically wrong with me. Why did they want me to get on a stretcher? I just gave birth, naturally and now they want me to lay still and receive IV fluids? I can drink just fine... I feel fine. But I go with them. I overhear them saying that I am in shock. I guess I am. But I feel fine. We get to the hospital and the placenta is still inside of me. I keep asking them to just let me get up and birth my placenta. Of course they don't. Finally one nurse asks me if I can walk from the stretcher to my bed and obviously I can, and do. But as I am sitting down my placenta falls out all over the floor. Adam was definitely not prepared for that and I doubt that nurse was either. But, hey I warned them it was coming. The next few hours were a blur... the past week has been a blur. But during these hours I met with a coroner who asked me first for my sons name, which we had not chosen yet, then asked me about preparations we would like to make for his body, which of course no one thinks about. Adam had left the room and I just told them I had no idea on either of those things and they would have to come back. It had only been 2-3hours since I had given birth and I was not prepared to answer any questions. Maybe I was even still in denial, maybe I still am... it just all seemed like a nightmare, and it all still does. They did bloodwork and other hospital-ish stuff and they released me around 11am, just 6 short or long hours after I had given birth. We got in the car - the same car that we installed Callums car seat in just a week before and we left. It was over, or it was just beginning. We stopped by CVS to get my prescription filled and we went to the hotel where my mom, brother and Beau were waiting on us. Adam and I took Beau to our hotel room and tried our best to explain to him what was happening. He listened so carefully, but I am still not sure he understands. After we talked my mom and brother took Beau home to North Carolina. I took something for pain... I wasn't in pain, not physical pain, but it helped for some reason and I was able to fall asleep for about 2 hours, and so was Adam. We woke up around 4 or 5 and since we hadn't eaten anything since dinner the night before we thought we should eat. We went to a local steakhouse and got our food to go. I sat in the car and Adam brought out a menu - we ordered our food and drove around downtown Blue Ridge, GA while we waited the 20minutes for it to be ready. Just 12 hours after I gave birth to our son, this is what we were doing. We went back to the hotel to eat - we watched some tv, maybe we slept some... Honestly I am not sure. We did things - insignificant things, but things that normal people would do. We cried a lot - we eventually slept. We woke up. It was a new day, but it was the same nightmare. It still is. On Monday morning, a little more than 24 hours after Callum was born we left the hotel and went to the funeral home. Akins Funeral Home in Blue Ridge, GA. We signed papers. Our son would be cremated. We started driving home. We stopped at the Nantahala Gorge and 30 hours after I had given birth, I walked down the trail to Pattons Run to watch people rafting and canoeing down the river. Physically I felt amazing. I still do. My body amazes me so much. Now we are home... we have been for 5 days. It seems like just yesterday that I gave birth to Callum, it also seems like it was years ago. My concept of time is gone. My days pass by so slowly and so quickly at the same time. I feel like I am just moving - not really doing anything, just moving. I do things I would typically do and don't remember doing them at all. I do laundry, I clean the house, I drive places... and I don't remember doing it. I put no effort into doing these activities, but they get done. I still can't be alone. I'm alone enough even when everyone is here with me, but even more alone when no one is.