I have lots to do, but I can’t seem to get this day started. It’s Friday and my boss is out on an all-day planning session (golf? drinking? whatever), so I think I’ll write an entry and then get down to business until lunchtime when I think I’m going with my co-worker, Ryan to have Mexican and slam a couple of margs.
I still feel woozy with heartache over someone who simply can’t with me, and that hurts! After forty-eight years I clearly still don’t understand love at all - or maybe it’s more than love. It’s desire, I guess. It’s ego, for sure…why doesn’t this guy WANT me? I’m probably the lowest maintenance person he’ll ever meet, but perhaps that’s part of it. Maybe I should be more complex?
I know I’m not supposed to look at it in terms of what’s wrong with me, but I can’t help it. What is it that keeps me unattached? Is it my own doing? Perhaps. Maybe I’m just subconsciously attracted to unavailable guys. After all, I was unavailable when I met the Bulldog, right? I mean, I was totally available from a relationship status standpoint, but emotionally I was still very attached to SP.
In fact, remember I was going to use the Bulldog to help me get over SP? Of course you remember, I can’t stop writing about it.
Regardless, I fell in love with the BD again after the California rendezvous, and we were actually even more compatible than we were before! We had The Best Time together.
What really got me upset the other day was something that most would think is pretty harmless, but it made me feel so yucky that I had to present an ultimatum because it bugs me.
You know, there are unwritten rules about social media and casual dating, and I get that! You don’t post photos of someone you’re not seeing on the reg. or haven’t put a title on, right? In fact, most of the time you’re not even friends on FB. It’s just something you don’t do, and I would never post anything like that with someone I just started seeing!
However, I’ve known the BD for two years now. We’ve done tons and tons of cool things together. I have checked into places where he’s been with me; I’ve posted photos of places we’ve been and seen and experienced; we’ve shared so many memories! And yet, I don’t get to post a photo of us…or him. I don’t get to share these things when I normally share pretty much my whole life. He has to remain a secret. WHY??!
Because we are not a couple, that’s why. We don’t have a title for our relationship, and even though if he and I were just friends with zero romantic collection, he would be all over my social pages because he has been all over my LIFE!
So flash back to last Saturday when we were at the farmers market together. We were having a lovely time and we stopped to get something to eat. We were sitting at a picnic table together and my sweet pup went over to him and sat in his lap and it was such a perfect moment that I had to snap a photo of if.
It was adorable!! Such a great photo, and I showed him. He liked it. He had a bit of that Bulldog smirk and my sweet Martini had the same expression and it was such a great shot.
So then he asked me to text the photo to him so that he could use it as his profile picture on FB…it was that good.
But here’s where it gets tricky: I wanted to post that picture on my own FB, too! It was really that good and in any other situation but a weird one like the one we have, I would have simply posted it and tagged him and life would go on.
But NO. We are not in a relationship, so I’m not allowed to do that. So I held my tongue, figuratively speaking.
He posted the photo to FB and IG, and the comments started rolling in.
“What a cute little chick magnet…who’s the dog?”
“Did you get a new dog? It’s so you!”
“Nice dog, [Bulldog]. Female bait.”
“Your dog is as cute as you are!”
“Cute friend!”
“Who dat puppy?”
“Tell us the truth. We know you. Spill it. Who’s the puppy and what are you up to?”
Guys, it was all I could do not to add a comment like, “She’s MY dog…and I’m the chick he’s baited and we’ve been banging for years now!”
But you can’t do that when you’re not in a relationship, now can you? I mean, is it me? am I just hung up on this? Should I have just posted it and not given it a thought?
I have a feeling that, no, it would have been super awkward if I’d posted it.
Anyway, just some thoughts surrounding what happened between the BD and me. I don’t know if I’d really realized that the photo triggered my strong reaction on Sunday morning. I just know I woke up feeling like shit from not sleeping and thinking that I just can’t do this anymore. It sucks to have so much fun with someone and yet I’m not allowed to let it show…at least not on social media.
I hate that.
OK. Better go. It’s almost margarita time.
Have a lovely Friday, all.
XO,
GS
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