4:40 PM
I was right, over the last few days my emotions and mood started to stagnate and today depression hit me full force. It has been for a while that I have felt so alone. Like I never had that one friend who would stand up for me. I have thought about the idea that if someone came to me and offered me full mental stability and all bad emotions will be forever gone but they would be transferred over to a different person causing them to suffer, I wouldn’t do it. There is no way I could ever put this type of pain on someone else I would rather sit here complaining to all those who read this diary and suffer alone for the rest of my life then let this pain affect someone else. If religion be true and since I gave up my beliefs - I will go to hell and suffer for eternity, well thats fine with me. I would rather have this pain for eternity rather then have someone else suffer.
The past few days I have been having dreams that (with the help of dream moods) mean I really am suffering from extreme loneliness. Tensions are high as relations hit an all time low between my mother and my step father. We are flat broke and he is hiding money that we need on bills, giving it to his druggie whore of a daughter and his other kids who never pay him back. I have refrained from saying anything to him as I watch them fight, as I watch my mother get hurt because she asked me not to, the truth is though I want to take a baseball bat to his truck. After writing that I had many images flooding my mind tempting me to take it to his legs instead, oh how I really want to. but murdering him will only land me in jail for the rest of my life and I don’t want that. Man I hate the bastard, I hope his cancer gets him and I hope it is soon. He doesn’t have it in his liver anymore it spread back to his colon and is at stage 3. to think I actually felt bad in the past for wishing death upon him, come on grim reaper I understand you don’t want him but we don’t either. Mother and I went through a lot of trouble today ordering Pizza because there was a special deal where you order one at normal price and get the other for 50 cents and thats for the super bowl. our pizza gets hear and fat fuck eats all but 3 pieces of it.
Usually their fighting doesn’t bother me but today it really hits me for some reason, I can hear mother yelling at him now. I think it is because my severe depression hit today. It’s not helping. I am starting to dissociate, whenever I get really uncomfortable, nervous, etc. I feel as if my body is splitting in two, not physically but it feels as if my mind, heart, and emotions are trying their best to escape my body. I feel really sad, hurt, alone, and scared to be honest. I believe the real term is depersonalization
(Depersonalization (or depersonalisation) is an anomaly of self-awareness. It can consist of a reality or detachment within the self, regarding one’s mind or body, or being a detached observer of oneself. Subjects feel they have changed, and the world has become vague, dreamlike, less real, or lacking in significance. It can be a disturbing experience. Chronic depersonalization refers to depersonalization/derealization disorder, which is classified by the DSM-5 as a dissociative disorder.[1]
Though degrees of depersonalization and derealization can happen to anyone who is subject to temporary anxiety/stress, chronic depersonalization is more related to individuals who have experienced a severe trauma or prolonged stress/anxiety.)
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