into the light in 2015

11:09pm

I don’t have much to say tonight. There just isn’t anything worth noting. I mean, life is passing day-by-day. I’m not depressed about it, it’s just something that happens. Or doesn’t happen, I guess.

I’ve had this weird heart fluttering thing going on the last two nights. It only happens in the afternoons though. The mornings seem fine and then it’ll show up around 3 or 4 and happen throughout the evening hours. Kinda weird.

It happened quite a bit back in college. Or at least that’s when I most remember it. I guess I’ve felt it periodically throughout the last few years. Not really a big deal because I would only feel it every so often. Having it two afternoons in a row has sorta changed my thinking about it though.

Usually it’s just a flutter here or there and it goes away. But this has been an almost constant thing for several hours. Like I can feel it happening over and over again in my chest. I don’t really know how else to describe it but I felt like I should document it in here in case I need to refer back to this in the future.

I can’t really see a doctor until at least May though. Too busy at work. Too much stuff going on to take a break and go have weird random tests done. They never find anything anyways and it’s super discouraging. I mean I always have these high hopes about how they’re finally going to give me some answers and then I get let down. That really kills the motivation for ever wanting to visit the doctor again.

Maybe it’s just because of the crazy schedule change. I went from working a couple days a week, no real schedule, and doing whatever I wanted to suddenly working six days in a row for 9-12 hours a day. That’s a pretty big change in most anyone’s life I would think. So that could probably have something to do with it.

Plus I’ve picked up this new (hopefully someday) habit of jogging/walking a couple days a week. I was only able to handle Tues/Thurs this week but that leaves plenty of room for improvement. :-)

The first day I think I started out too fast. I barely made it around the corner before I realized I was way more out of shape than I thought I was. I spent the rest of the block panting and dying inside. I thought my heart may burst through my rib cage.

But then on Thurs I went out again and kept reminding myself to take it easy. I can’t go out there and sprint the entire way after living a mostly sedentary lifestyle. I’d love to be one of those people who loves/has the ability to run every morning but I certainly can’t start out that way. No one does. So I took it easy. jogged a little further around the block, gave myself the ok to walk a bit, and then jogged a little bit more before walking it into home.

That’s an improvement and that’s really all that matters. I have to remind myself that I won’t be perfect right off the bat. That’s nearly impossible. And as long as I’m trying, and I’m not in any sort of pain at the end, I think that’s a damn good day.

Not to mention that when I round the 2nd corner the sun is usually rising right above this empty lot and I can turn and glance at all those beautiful colors. And the second day, as I finished up the block, I was able to see a big full moon hanging in the air on the other side. It was pretty amazing!

Those are the kinds of things I’m grateful for these days. Little moments that I may or may not have again. Enjoying nature and feeling at peace. I need that kinda stuff in my life.

So I’m going to try to stick with that for as long as I can. No promises or anything, but we’ll see how it goes.

For now, I’ve stayed up way too late just because tomorrow is my first day off in a week. Probably a bad move on my part. Should have tried to get more sleep in, but oh well. That’s how I do things. =]

rose.
11:25pm

Last updated January 31, 2016