Religiously Indecisive in Life 2016

I don’t know who I am. I don’t know what I want. I’ve gone through countless majors, jobs, religions, frames of mind and hobbies. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels like…me. I was always so indecisive about everything, but it’s gotten worse ever since my mother died.
When she died, I made her funeral arrangements. She identified as Catholic, so when I went to the church to talk to the priest, we spoke about how the service would run. He did us a favor burying by her at the church close to my father’s home, since I, nor my family, had not stepped foot into a Catholic church since I made my confirmation 11 years ago. We spoke about faith in general then he said something that stuck with me: “When you step foot into a building, you have faith that the building will not collapse on top of you. You have faith that the builders knew what they were doing. There are too many signs and things that work out to think they are all coincidence. Everything happens for a reason.” Of course, he was aiming that Christ is running the show. It spoke to me, very loudly. The words repeated in my head, and they still do.
I went back to church, every Sunday, for 6 months after my mother passed. I felt a connection at first- a calling, if you will, to attend and to follow Christ. I felt if I went and proved to Christ and everyone around me that I was a church-goer and abided by the commandments and the Catholic church’s rules, I’d be saved. That’s what most Catholics believe.
If I strayed from that path, I became so anxious and stressed. I drove myself crazy and had terrible panic attacks. I started to go to confession. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t be the perfect person the Catholic church wanted me to be. I tried so hard. I never realized how much I sinned in the eyes of the church until I started going back to church. I’d walk out of confession, and sin again a few hours later, sometimes without realizing it. I felt doomed, I felt like I was definitely going to hell. Maybe I wasn’t a good and decent person after all.
The more I researched the Catholic religion, the worst I felt about myself, and the more worried I felt for my family and friends. I would never reach a pure state of grace. I was too much of a sinner. I fell victim to human nature time and time again. My mom’s side of the family is Protestant, therefore they were all going to hell in the Catholic church’s eyes. All of my friends have had premarital sex, therefore they were all going to hell for committing fornication. I have many friends who practice Wicca (I practiced and identified as a Wiccan until recently), or other Pagan religions, therefore they are all going to hell for denying Christ and practicing witchcraft. STOP!!! Something is seriously wrong here… My family and friends are some of the best people I know. There’s no way they’re all going to hell. They are so loving, caring, and are wholeheartedly good people. Is God really going to send all of them to hell for sinning or not following the “correct” path?
I started looking into other Christian denominations. Maybe being Catholic wasn’t the right Christian religion.It couldn’t be. They say the Lord is all merciful, but is ready to send you to hell the second you do something “wrong”. I researched many Christian religions, went to different Christian churches. None of them felt completely right for me. I started to panic. I wanted to believe wholeheartedly in something, anything! I felt so complex, and I was and am probably overthinking this all way too much. But that’s me. That’s what I do.
All I know is that I believe in a higher power. God? Maybe. Something/someone else? Maybe. I just know I believe in some sort of higher power. Do I believe in an afterlife? Yes. I don’t believe this mortal life is all there is. Heaven or hell? Maybe. More heaven than hell. I believe everyone has good to them. I don’t know if I believe anyone should be doomed to hell for ALL eternity. That doesn’t make sense to me. I think it’s okay to screw up, as long as you are OVERALL trying to be a decent person. Can someone really be saved? I think being “saved” is a state of mind. In my instance, I “saved” myself by not being such a strict Catholic. If I did any longer, I would have driven myself crazy. Literally. Do I think everything actually happens for a reason? Yes, I do strongly believe in that. That’s for certain.
Maybe I should stop overthinking this, because I still do. I wish I could force myself to believe in something, and have it be concrete in me. Instead, my mind and my thoughts constantly shift. It’s exhausting, but that’s me. That’s what I do.