I wasn't going to rant but I think I might have in Normal entries

If you promise to shut the hell up I’ll tell the tale; short in content but buffered with exposition, kvetching, and mean spirited symbols, maybe, not sure, I’m writing it as I type. You don’t even really need to shut the hell up or the fuck up or any up whatsoever, I can’t really hear you. I’m on a computer a long way away from your computer, and whereas I have surround sound speakers, you probably are not shouting “Stop!” into your microphone, the one reserved for skyping with grandma and sex chat rooms.

I knew I was going to spend some time laid up, nothing like the time I will in feb but let’s let the future go fuck itself for the time being, so I stacked up on cheap ass used videos from the we-have-some-cheap-ass-video-outside-even-in-fucking-sub-fucking-zero-January. Among them, now you really have to shut up even if you’re just in my mind, the Da Vinci code. I decided to give it a chance, not the book, no way, I have never made it a full page into the book, but, you know, I’ve watched real crap movies before, the idea is to consider high camp as entertainment, and, it’s even funnier when it’s not trying to be campy.

I almost watched the whole thing. I mean I didn’t stop it on purpose while stringing together expletives. I think I did fall asleep for a while, I couldn’t tell you how long and it’s not like I missed anything. There’s a couple a cool things where people get shot and there’s a low speed car chase. No nudity or even kissing, unless I slept through that, it’s all mostly exposition sort of like, I imagine, the book is, except in a movie the exposition has to be dialogue.

Still not very entertaining. I know, some people thought it was cool that some of the historical shit kind of lined up. Every few years about ten knights Templar movies come out, one or two of them are fun to watch. The Da Vinci code is not one of them.

You know what? Fuck it. I’m not going to rant against the movie, you either saw it, or like me up until yesterday, tried to see and couldn’t, or it’s new old camp for you, I don’t want to spoil it. Um, don’t’ take an intelligent chick to it or, you know, be an intelligent chick going to it. Spoiler alert, I suppose, the ultimate message of the movie is chicks are ok, some are related Jesus and Jesus liked chicks.

When I was a kid and at subsequent times later in life, conservative church groups would protest in front of movies and plays that they thought were blasphemous. Things like Jesus Christ Superstar, God spell, The Last Temptation of Christ and that one that Mel Gibson did, though I think they were protesting Mel and not the movie which was pretty much biblical and gruesome and spoke Aramaic.

I think the reason the Da Vinci code didn’t get protested is because even it’s heresy was Pablum. For all the secret gadgets and shit, the almost ending discovery was in a place open to the public, dude looked it up at the library, and though they had to slip under a rope that crossed the room waist high and probably said “for Employees only” they found the spot Mary used to be and a bunch of news clippings some which included them. The later discovery was anticlimactic. Um, everything after the opening credits was sort of anti-climactic. I guess over the centuries the only people who visted that ancient church as tourists were too polite to duck under the rope.

The whole conspiracy and blue eyed flagellating pale monks was boring, derivative and the dialogue about it didactic. I had never hoped more for a pie in the face or a pratfall in my life, even a spit take would have worked. Of all the shocking things the Catholic church has done in the last 1500 odd years, very few of them were in the movie or, I assume, the book and the ones that were I was 10 when I knew the ones that were. Granted, my father taught humanities and the attic was full of history books, so, I don’t expect your average ten year old to know the significance of Constantine to the Church. Still. And by thirteen I knew the significance of chicks. I think that’s true of every boy when he hits puberty. I recognize misogyny when I see it, I just don’t understand it, not on a gut level.

The main plot twist hinged on the plot twist of The Last Temptation of Christ which really did get national news coverage for the amount of protestors; the idea that Christ settled down and had some kids. The last Temptation, however, introduced it more as a fever dream, and was a beautifully shot and told tale. Da Vinci Code depended on such being true and was a well shot movie too, but hardly well told, it aspired, at points, to being merely poorly told, and had delusions of mediocre adequacy.

What I think is more interesting and has yet to be in a Jesus movie is that, if you buy the whole story, Mary the mom had one virgin birth, her other kids came about the normal way. I’d like to see a movie about Jesus’ siblings. I don’t think the KJV mentions them, but other gospels that didn’t make it into the modern bible do. It makes sense too, having kids was what god wanted from the tribes of Judea, lots of them. There is no reason whatsoever that Mary and Joe would be punished for having gods kid — wait, no, god didn’t need reasons in the Old testament for fucking with the Jews, but, and it’s an important but, the bible always explained at great length why they were being fucked with.

Job has his own book and it made every copy of the bible. Job got fucked with for being the best worshipping God loving Jew there was.

I know, the New Testament is a lot more hippie than the old, except for mad johns revelations, still, it sort of forgets about Mary and Joe after the birth, I mean the KJV does. And, seriously, if Jesus didn’t have kids, there would just have to be siblings. I mean this was the bloodline of King David and possibly Abraham. I know that doesn’t mean much to your average trailer park Christian (who is as often as not anti-Semitic. Shit, the KKK members are church goers.) but it means a hell of a lot to the Jews. You’d think there’d be a mention of the end of the bloodline, but there isn’t.

In that respect, if one is to believe in the historical Jesus, it’s really likely the bloodline continued and there’s great-great-great-bunch more greats- grand nephews and nieces of Jesus all the hell over the place. Also there wasn’t really anything prohibiting Jesus from having sex or kids, except, you know, with someone else’s wife. Yes, they called him a rabbi at age ten, but, rabbis can have sex and a wife, again, not supposed to with someone else’s wife but that wouldn’t be a rule if it didn’t happen often enough to warrant a rule. I mean there isn’t a religious law against painting douchebag on the side of someone elses donkey or camel. Probably because it didn’t happen that often. I mean shit, if there had to be a commandment for everything that trailer park Christians think is a sin poor Moses would need ten wheel barrows to get the fucking commandments down the mountain. And then make two more trips.

For the life of me I don’t understand why nuns and priests aren’t allowed to fuck and it’s no surprise that they sneak around and do it anyway. I know it has something to do with purity and commitment and shit, but that noise came from the church not the literature. Jesus was not a Christian and if he could have been I don’t think he’d go catholic.

Sorry, I can’t believe I threw away a whole buck and a quarter to watch the fucking Da Vinci Code. Though I liked the female lead, I don’t think I’ve seen her in anything else, and I always like the guy who played the cop, I don’t know why I’m spacing on his name. Most of the other actors I have liked in various different roles, some fewer than others. Um, ok, don’t hit any kids with your Prius, they might be related to Jesus, though, if you have to hit a kid with a car, do it with a Prius, much less likely to be fatal, to the kid. Heh, I kid, but, having test driven one, you don’t get a good or easy view behind you, the window is too high. Get one with the rear camera or you might hit short things.