keeping distance in 2015

10:24pm

Should I mention how bad I am doing at this? It’s probably been mentioned more than once recently. I doubt I need to remind anyone.

So, lots of things going on lately. I wish I had an easier way to recount them all. Because I want to remember every moment and put them all into words, but it’s such a struggle to sit here and type it all up. I need to start sitting down with a tape recorder and just talking into it until I get tired. Then someday I can transpose the whole thing. [Is that a word..transpose? I should probably look that up..]

The other day JR showed me something on his phone [it was a bad Obama/Biden joke that I told him I was offended by and called him a redneck for lol] and I immediately commented on being bothered by the author’s grammar. Only I forgot that he’s not the very best at that sort of thing either and maybe he took offense to it. ha. Whoops. Sometimes I speak before I process, which is weird because I’m so good at overthinking most of what I say.

He’d been acting weird around me since Thanksgiving. I don’t know. For a second there I thought it had something to do with that picture I’d posted of my snazzy dress. He normally “likes” and/or comments on stuff I post and he hadn’t mentioned it at all. To this day, despite jokes pre-dress-picture of showing it to JC, he has not even brought it up in regular conversation. I don’t know what it is exactly. I haven’t mentioned it either because it seems like maybe there’s more to it than I’m willing to admit.

I know there’s something there, but I am [desperately] trying so hard to keep things friendly. Because we could seriously become best friends. At least on my end. But I won’t ever go any further than that. And I want to be friends. I like having him around.

To the point recently where I realized that I sorta kinda miss him when he doesn’t stop by the office. Like the time between Thanksgiving and Monday. He hadn’t really shown up, and when he had it was a super quick visit. No joking or bs-ing. That’s kind of what our whole thing has become. I mean, we get plenty of work done but there’s always some kind of messing around and just talking. It felt so awkward and weird to have him be standoffish and not joke. On a normal day I know to stop messing around when he acts all serious, but I can usually make him smile a little even when he’s down. So it was throwing me off that he was trying to be all serious and un-friendly during all these days. I didn’t like it. It felt weird.

Luckily he stopped by this Monday and we hung out. Got a bunch of work done and then he’d started to gather all his stuff and stand to leave but decided to sit down and bs for a while. That was nice. I’d already realized the whole thing about missing him when he didn’t stop by. I guess I’ve just sorta gotten used to having him around.

I don’t normally get attached to people very easily, but when I do you’re kind of screwed because I’m not very good at letting go either. ;-)

I’m trying to keep a safe distance because there are still weird boundary lines and he’s got a gf now. I want to make sure that I don’t push my limits. I don’t really think I am, but I don’t want other people to misinterpret. If it were up to me, we’d probably hang out outside of work and talk about all kinds of things. But I do realize that not everyone in the world sees things the way I do and they might get the wrong impression. I’m really just looking to make friends and I’m pretty horrible at it, so I kind of need to take what I can get. =P

At some point I hope I can stop by and tell you about the street lighting and running into them at the restaurant. And thanksgiving, gosh I’m still missing that update. I’ll try my best. For now though I need to get out of here and head to bed.

rose.
11:11pm

Last updated January 13, 2016