This was my last entry on Open Diary, thought it would be interesting to share! OMG!
Well for those of you who have guessed, just in the same way in the old days how a band releases their greatest hits just before the break up so was that last entry of mine; leading to the inevitable. I was about to call time on Open Diary and now it seems that Open Diary is calling time on me instead.
I started writing my open diary back in 2001 when I was in the middle of my degree in engineering. I was in my early twenties. It was a nice time in my life as I had come to accept myself as a person and lose a lot of my hang-ups. That youthful spirit is something you never really come across again.
Alas for every leap forward I would have a little step backwards. There were certain hang-ups I never really got over, that I probably still have to some extent today. I was quite protective of myself and would always often get myself into some sort of unrequited mess when it came to matters of the heart. It’s an awful habit that I think I have broken now.
I wanted to look through my old entries and compile a ‘greatest hits’ of my diary but there aren’t many people left to actually read it! Readership of my diary has dwindled, but then so have my entries I have to admit.
I am not really as prolific a diary writer as I was before. Which is weird because I am getting more into writing at the moment. Due to an injury to my hand I am virtually retired from the world of music at the moment. I have started to write a novel and am trying my hand at writing scripts for TV.
It’s very frustrating for me to be prevented from playing guitar and I haven’t managed to finish my solo album project which was initially held up due to not being in the mood. Now I want to play so badly but can’t cope with it physically.
The last entries were from a dark patch. I had the worst bout of depression in a long while. Absolutely knocked for six. I am doing my best to fight it these days. Looking back on my entries there is a pattern to my moods.
I think my depression is seasonal so have been trying to sit under a lamp like a little pot plant. I am almost quite certain this is what my problem is. Light therapy makes me feel better equipped to deal with life (during the winter) but obviously doesn’t fix the things that make me feel shit.
Romantically I guess it does feel as hopeless as ever. Sometimes I think that just getting laid will fix things for me! Yes that simple. Maybe it’s just all this frustration at being a perpetually nice guy. And that I am being left behind as most of my friends are hooked up and going towards the big marriage pie in the sky.
I am trying my thang on some different kind of girl at the moment. I don’t have a clue whether it’s headed anywhere at all; I hate waiting and wasting my time. I am forever haunted by the feeling that I am just being used.
Day job wise I started a new job (at the same place The Justice League) back in May 2013. It was a real moment of triumph for me as a certain big fat manager didn’t want me to get it. But it was a real v sign in her face for me to get it. I scored really high in the interview, I absolutely blasted it.
So at the Justice League I now act as a Witness Liaison. Totally different to what I have been doing before (glorified data entry). I do enjoy the new job, though it gets depressing when you see the system let people down. And yes it sounds a lot more glamorous than the actuality.
So there it is. My last entry on Open Diary. It’s been a blast, so great to come across so many like minded people. It was an earlier form of social networking but not a vacuous void full of self indulgence and attention seeking that facebook is.
We would post on Open Diary anonymously and with no agenda. This is why it was full of discovery and wonder. There’s a few of you I met in real life and it was great to have made real the voices behind those diaries.
I may give this prosebox a go but to be honest I have lost of a lot enthusiasm for documenting my life in this way, so not sure. For those of you who wish to stay in touch: EMAIL
Stay beautiful!
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