Six months ago, I was someone very different than the person I am today.
I’m not quite sure who I am today.
I do know that it sounds insane - that I feel so overwhelmed by daily life, that the idea of spending some time in a hospital sounds more rewarding then struggling to try and beat “whatever” is going on in my life right now. The idea of leaving my beloved dog and fiancé behind - somewhat disturbing - but easy to ignore. Easier to ignore than the idea of dealing with THIS for a moment longer.
For the past ninety days, I have struggled. In the past ninety days, I have not had one exciting, anxiety-free day.
In the past ninety days, I have not slept for more than two hours at a time.
I have watched my “looks” fade. The person that I see in the mirror, I don’t know who she is. She is scary to me. A stranger. Dark circles. Thin Hair. Puffy eyelids. Acne.
In the past thirty-five days, I have checked myself into the emergency room three times.
In the past ninety-days, I’ve been to more doctors appointments than I can count.
In the past ninety-days, I’ve watched the same television program. I’ve struggled to eat. I’ve lost a tremendous amount of weight for someone already small statured.
I haven’t had any form of sexual contact in over thirty days. And before that time, another thirty days.
The saddest thing about this inconvenience of a sudden onset of anxiety and “depression” - everything in my life was turning around and headed the right way. Everything I have worked for, so hard, over the past ten years. It was all THERE… to the point of finally starting a new exciting chapter… and then, I woke up one morning and my mind and body decided otherwise.
It’s been a progression to get to the state of mind that I am at today, but it all started that one morning.
I can’t eat without Xanax.
I can’t sleep without Xanax.
I tried to not take my Xanax yesterday, instead two sleeping pills. My anxiety overruled sleeping pills. I am at work, and have been awake for over 30 hours. By the time I leave here, I’ll have been awake for 35 hours. Almost my entire work week, in hours, without sleep.
There is one moment that I can sleep… right after I finish my dinner. I try to eat as quickly and as much as I can, because I don’t want to be this thin. Within twenty minutes of eating, I pass out on my couch. Within an hour, or slightly longer, I wake. And that’s the extent of my solid undisturbed sleeping.
And the few rare instances where I have fallen asleep for more than a few hours, in my own bed, are riddled with nightmares of obscene situations. I wake up with my heart racing. And then, I notice the time (usually around 2 AM), and begin to panic that I have to be up for work soon and know I won’t be able to fall back asleep properly. Then I remember that I haven’t paid the electric bill in two months and they are shutting the power off soon. Then I panic about my hair falling out on the pillow. And, at some point, begin to toss and turn dramatically because my leg is in pain.
Everyone keeps asking me, usually at doctors appointments, if I am ready for Christmas. And, that makes everything worse. Usually, I am knee deep in Christmas crafts.... glitter, snowflakes, pinterest projects. So far I’ve only had the energy to put the artificial tree in the corner of the room, without lights or ornaments. I am not Christmas shopping this year, because I have over 4K in medical bills and my regular bills… and still waiting for the other shoe to drop. My family wants to see me for the holidays… but I don’t want to go. Which causes more anxiety. Why can I just skip Christmas this year?
Honestly, I still think it’s Halloween. Because I had great plans for Halloween. And then anxiety completely ruined my life.
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