So after I had erased the history and vowing never to look at pornography again, it wasn’t too long before teenage hormones and curiosity kicked in again. I remember saving up and buying the new Nokia (at the time) colour screen with internet. Back then, mobile internet was WAP and after checking out the usual music and game sites, it was’t too long before I stumbled upon several different porn sites. Pixellated and tiny resolutions compared to today’s standards. I remember being able to bookmark different sites and regularly visiting them.
Sites that still exist today such as peperonity.com contained a vast number of pornography sites, built by users, containing pictures and videos. From here, I could save them to my phone, able to recall them at a moments notice. I think this was the start of my addiction to collecting porn. I would download them, look at them and keep them, building more and more until my phone was full, deleting them and starting the whole process again and again.
By this time, the internet had developed massively and there was a vast range of sites and categories that one could explore. I remember using a site which people could post adverts and their details so you could hook up with each other. I was 13 at the time of my first sexual encounter.
I remember his name, Stuart. He was 29 at the time and I had been exchanging messages and texts with him for about a week before I decided to meet him on a Saturday afternoon. We met at the train station (I knew to meet him in public where I could be caught on CCTV if anything happened) and we went back to his house. He had asked how old I was - I lied and said 16. I remember the day clearly. At his house - a one bedroom bedsit (studio) in a grimy location, we talked, he smoked and he asked me about my previous sexual encounters. I told him I had none and he described a few of his. One line sticks in my mind that he said “One guy I met was nervous like you, I went to the bathroom and when I came back, he was naked in my bed - we had so much fun”, to which he went to the bathroom.
Not knowing what to do, I stayed where I was and continued the barrage of thoughts going through my mind. When he came back, he suggested we go to the bedroom and “see what happens”. I went and we engaged in Oral sex with each other. He wanted to go further but I stopped him. After we had finished, he offered me a cigarette which I smoked with him and suggested that we meet again. He gave me half a pack of cigarettes (“a present for the afternoon”) and I left. I never did see him again. I convinced myself that I didn’t enjoy what had happened so mustn’t be gay.
On the way home, I cried. The whole situation had confused me immensely. I felt dirty and disgusting. This wasn’t the same as people had told me that you’re first sexual time would be. At 13, although mature for my age, I was an emotional wreck. Looking back now, I wish that I could recall of the messages I had sent (and received), to truly see how I managed to end up in that situation.
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