So I used to have an online diary, like 10 years ago now. At the time, it really helped as I was in a very difficult place. Teen angst, first love and dealing with a kind of depression I suppose. That was at open diary which I have seen has been closed down for a few years now.
From the time that I made those entries, I feel like I have done a lot with my life - I moved to Australia for a year, returned back to the UK, completed my nursing studies and then returned back to Australia where I have been now for several months, stopping in New Zealand for a few months to also work.
Now, I feel I have accomplished so much in such a short space of time, there is still my addiction that I am battling. And when I say battling, its not really battling if you haven’t really done anything about it. I suppose that to really start getting a grip and doing something about the addiction, you have to stop - or attempt to stop. So far, I haven’t really tried. But looking at my life now, I need to. Its starting to have an effect on the quality of my life and my social skills. Don’t get me wrong, I am a social person but now I live on my own, I have to do something about it to stop myself falling deeper in to this dark hole.
What is the addiction you may ask. Or why have you banged on for so long without declaring the addiction? Well, I suppose if I write it down, I have to admit that I have a problem. And thats pretty difficult but I think I need to. I am addicted to pornography. I know, it sounds ridiculous. Perverted as well. But it really is an actual thing. I have seen that there is an increase in the addiction, especially from teenagers and with the availability of porn, it makes sense. Much like a drug addict who can at a whim get their kick from clicking a few times, or typing in ‘cocaine’ on google. It has reached the stage where mentally and physically, my body and mind has changed.
I suppose I best start at the beginning. I think I was 11 when we first got our computer with the internet - Windows 95. All those years ago! I remember getting it and the family sitting around, playing solitaire, looking at Encarta and being amazed. Little did I know, that this would be the beginning of something terrible. The computer was placed in mine and my brothers room as that was the only place. I remember playing games, listening to the radio and being completely innocent.
How it all started is a bit of a blur really. I think I was playing an online game and a porn advert came up. At 11 / 12, curiosity got the better of me. I clicked it and a load of images came up. Scared, I pulled the plug on the computer - seeing as my parents were only in the next room. I was shocked at what I had seen and my heart rate racing. I left it a few days, scared that my parents would check the history and find out what had happened. Nothing came of it. So a few days later, I remember logging back into the site and the same pop ups came up. This time, It was late at night - everyone was in bed and I had a sheet over the modem (dial up was a noisy thing!) and spent a few hours looking at these images.
Looking back, I guess I knew that I was gay at a young age. Looking at my mums catalogues of clothing, turning to the mens underwear pages and looking at those pictures. Now this was probably when I was 8ish. I know, sounds unreal but I had been ‘playing with myself’ downstairs, if you understand from about 5. I knew that if I rubbed myself there for a while, eventually I would feel good and fall asleep at night. This would happen probably about 4 nights a week. I guess thats where this overly sexual being originated from. Nobody told me about this, and what it was until I was starting junior school. Masturbation, they said felt good. I had no idea what I was doing was actually masturbation. Then the boys would say that if you did it for long enough, you would explode and white stuff would come out. Now that hadn’t happened to me yet so I tried harder and harder, more and more until that happened one day.
I remember the first day I came. I was sat in the bathroom, whacking away until the moment came. I made such a mess and felt entirely spent that I had to lie down. Crazy. But i’m digressing. I remember looking at pictures of penises and saving them to the computer, in some hidden folder away. I would then save them as the desktop picture to see them in the bigger picture. One night, doing this, my brother woke up and asked me what I was doing. I told him to go back to sleep, deleted the pictures and then went to bed. When I woke up in the morning, the first thing I saw when I turned the computer was this big penis staring back at me. Thank god, no-one was around and I freaked out. I deleted every file I had, erased the history and vowed to never look at porn again, scared that my parents my see what I had been looking at.
I’m going to leave the beginning there as I think that this is a long enough post now. I shall continue in the next post.
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