7:20 PM
It has been a long time since my thoughts drifted to the S word. It has been a long time since my depression has gotten this bad. It is now the 8th of December and all 8 days of this month has seen me in a long and deep depression. Yesterday when I went and seen my therapist we talked about a lot of stuff and she inadvertently got me to think about suicide again. We talked about our goals in therapy and she said thought management/intrusive thoughts and after I left to be honest it is really all my brain wanted to think about. I went and looked up sites and methods and I got to really thinking about it. Obviously I am not going to do it but there is always that part of me that wants to. Sometimes it is about dying but most of the time when I get to thinking like this, it is to end the pain. (After writing this paragraph I took a break for an hour to collect my thoughts.)
Ok, there is this online game called eRepublik, it’s a role playing game with many countries represented and you can have/be in a political party run for congress and CP (Country President) etc. So I was a member of eAustralia’s Congress between July-November 2013 and April-June 2015) Now there are elections every MONTH for CP, Congress, and Party Presidency on the 5th, 15th, and 25th. Well I started playing again and my good friend became CP and he invited me to join his Cabinet, I became Deputy to the Minister of Defense (dMoD), I am responsible for publishing battle orders through the DoD (Department of Defense) newspaper. So I got all the rules down and how I should choose the battles, but I have a problem. My BPD and super anxiety kicks in and I start getting super doubtful about everything so I ask my friend to give me orders to publish so he tells me and I hurry on over to the other account, copy and paste from the previous battle orders and I edit what needs to be edit and I publish it. I forgot however to change the links to the battles and I go into near panic attack mode trying to hurry and edit the article before anyone reads it.... I am still calming down from that.... I just don’t want to look like a failure to my friend and everybody else. I really don’t want to write anything else today. Sorry no picture today.
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