The Ginger.... in Deeper Bits (Emotional and such)

So for the past year or so, I've had these very vivid dreams of this blue eyed, pale skinned, firey red haired girl. We've had many a date, many a night in, many a conversation. I've seen her parent's home, ridden in her car, took a nap on the couch with both our dogs, while she was having lunch with her parents. You get the idea. I had another one last night, one that made me almost unable to work today. (I woke up so upset, I didn't want to go back to sleep and risk a replay) She proposed to me. Nobody knows how badly I want that. Not necessarily to be proposed to (I'd not mind if she made that move), but just to have someone love me enough to want to spend the rest of their life with me. This wasn't my plan. Yeah, I own my home, two paid for cars and a motorcycle, decent job with a reputable company, I've got my life together. But I can't help but wonder if I did it too late. I wanted to be a younger dad, that's obviously not going to happen. I feel like I've just completely lost the main goal I had set for myself, whilst I managed to gain the rest of them. I feel so lost sometimes. Another bad part is that I've come to find the the receiving girl attractive. I'm not going to open my mouth about it. Especially not to her. I know the rule on dating in the work place. I've done it before, and it didn't end well. It's been a year and half since I've even a slightly romantic moment. Since then only one person has hugged me, maybe a total of 10 times (S, if you're curious.) Sometimes I'd give anything just to get a caring touch from someone I trust, ya know? I've often thought to just send J a message and tell her I'm moving across the pond, be ready to show me around. Maybe I'd find what I'm looking for over there. Meet the girl I'm meant to meet and all. Sometimes I wonder if I can get through it. I wake up, and I don't want to get out of bed. I've become very good a plastering my happy face on at work, and... well.. around other people. No one I see in person knows. I keep seeing her... ehm... "The Ginger" at random when I'm awake. What's bad when I see her when I'm driving the big work truck. (I deliver home appliances.) Last week, I saw her, or think I did, walking on the side walk in a city about 20 miles from where I live, and she looked right at me. I don't know what I need... Her, someone who can fill this empty void in my life that being single has left me with, or a swift kick in the ass. Everyone says be patient and wait, but I'm sick of waiting. I get on fine by myself, but I despise it so horridly.