6:30 PM
Today has been a mixture of emotions for me, I did take my social anxiety meds which did help me today, I have a habit of forgetting those but not today. I went to a meeting with an insurance agent with my mom for about 2 hours. We were going to go with a plan for me but decided against it since I don’t even go to a regular doctor anymore. I would have been paying 170 dollars a month, After we got done with me they(mother and insurance agent) were talking and it turns out my mom is going to have to stop taking some medications because they are not covered and she cannot afford 2000 dollars a month for them. From then until now I have been in a mix of feelings, I wrote down on my paper just “Moderate Depression”. I left the agency place feeling pretty down. I came home and had a beer, misused one of my meds and now I am here. Typing this. Right now I just feel, nothing. I can’t feel my heart, and with me all my emotions run through my heart and that is how I feel and right now I feel nothing.
Mother and step father went out to eat while I ordered wings from Pizza Hut. I have learned that it is Stage 2 cancer he has in his liver and that it has been off and on for 3 years now. I don’t know a whole lot but I read that the survival rate for 5 years is very low, so I don’t know whats going to happen. I am looking forward to going to bed tonight, I am very tired and I just want to lay in bed and hide away from the world again. Before anyone says anything, it’s not him having his cancer come back that is getting to me, I just didn’t have that great of a day today.
Some days, I feel everything at once. Other days, I feel nothing at all. I don’t know what’s worse-drowning beneath the waves, or dying from the thirst.
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