I’ve been off school for over a week for Thanksgiving break and I’m ready to go back. I’m SO. BORED. All I do is clean, and read books to the kids, and change diapers, etc. I don’t know what else to do with myself.
I’m pretty bored with life in general. I live everyday waiting to go to bed. That is not a good way to do things, but it’s familiar. I am just no good at this whole “life” thing. I keep desperately trying to find something to do with myself, but I haven’t yet. Everything just feels… pointless? I don’t know. I guess I should try harder to not think of life is just being pointless. But it really is. Construct one’s own meaning and blah blah. Yeah, I know. Life’s just never had meaning for me, even as a young kid.
I thought my “calling” was to have babies, and I did that. Now what. Raise them, yes. I’m doing that. What about after that? I don’t know. I’ll find something, I guess.
I’m envious of Jacob in that he’s always had a solid sense of self, and I never have. I wish I was like that.
If I could, I’d probably just move somewhere unfamiliar for the hell of it. I have been looking at graduate schools in other states.
Then I remember that we bought a house. And I’d rather not uproot my children.
I’ll have to put my wanderlust away.
I have to put a lot of things away inside of me, really.
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