Okay, I didn’t actually GO, because it sounds like I don’t need to go IN to the office to apply. I applied online for medicaid for the kids and myself. I got denied, I think because I have insurance from work, even though my coverage sucks and doesn’t cover anything except regular office visits and prescriptions. The summary said the kids were eligible and I was ineligible. Whatever, as long as the kids get it, I can take them off my work policy and save myself $350/month.
I also filled out the paperwork for food stamps and child care assistance. I have to fax that to their office tomorrow, but I need Milo’s daycare to fill out a form for me to submit with the packet. Ross picked him up today while I was at the ENT scheduling my surgery (more on that later), so I didn’t get to give it to them today, but I’ll drop it off with him in the morning.
I feel like garbage. I work full time. I have a legitimate, respectable career. And I qualify for food stamps, child care assistance, and medicaid. I don’t want to sound like a martyr or anything, but I’m a TEACHER, I have an IMPORTANT job. I don’t shuffle paper around on a desk all day, I help shape the future of children. I’m not trying to be self aggrandizing, but good lord. I feel like I should make enough money that I DON’T QUALIFY FOR PUBLIC ASSISTANCE. Seriously. I feel like pond scum. I’m filling out this paperwork and it keeps asking if I’m in jail, if I’ve ever been convicted of a drug-related offense, if I’m willing to join a job search agency or complete a job search program. I HAVE A JOB! I don’t NEED a job search program. I’m not a criminal. I graduated from college. I have a bachelor’s degree.
For christ’s sake. I just feel ridiculous. I don’t want to fax them this paperwork, but I HAVE TO. I literally CANNOT afford not to. I can’t afford to pay my bills and feed my family. I can’t afford my life! With a full time job, and a college education, I cannot afford to live without government assistance.
Cool, that’s awesome. Fuck my life. I feel pitiful. And I hate that I’m even whining about all of this. It could be worse. I should just be happy for the help, and glad that we qualify… I should just deal with it and move on.
But I lived the last 10 years of my life on public assistance, and the reason for it was so I could get an education, get a good job in my career field, and “graduate” from the system. And yet, here I am, graduated and degreed, and still needing the help. I’m so frustrated that I don’t know how else to express it. I wanted MORE for myself, and for my kids. I wan’t to be successful, and “middle America.” I wanted to be able to pay for groceries without freaking out about whether or not I could pay my rent. I want to be able to stop and get take out for my kids on a busy night when we’re running around between school and appointments and activities. I want to be able to buy one of them new shoes when they wear through theirs. I just wanted to live a normal life. I’m not saying I expected to be rich while teaching, or that I don’t want to stick to a budget, but if I could just cover ALL of my bills and still have room to breathe, that would be great.
More than great, that would be AMAZING.
And yet, I don’t think there’s anything I can do at this point to make it better.
Sigh
Alright. Moving on. Sorry for whining.
I had my follow up with the ENT today to review my CT Scan and schedule surgery. I knew I was going to need a tonsillectomy, and I was prepared for that. When I went to the initial ENT appointment, the doctor looked in my nose and said “woah, you have huge turbinates.” I dont know about you, but I had never heard of a turbinate before. Apparently, it’s a large snail-shaped spirally organ in the nose that warms and humidifies air as you inhale. It’s supposed to just be on either side of your nose, a little spiral of tissues on each side. Mine are swollen up and inflamed to the point that they FILL my nostrils and sinus cavities. They’re not supposed to do that. :\
The CT Scan also showed that my septum is curved, like ) instead of | and it gets more and more curved as you go further into my head. Which is shitty. I was really hoping my septum wouldn’t be deviated, because the surgical correction for that is pretty brutal. They put splints in your nose to hold the septum in place while it heals, and they’re REALLY uncomfortable. I’ve known a handful of people who had the surgery and were miserable for about a week afterwards.
Apparently, to fix my turbinates, they have to use a little tiny baby liposuction machine to suck out a bunch of the filler tissue and cauterize the enter/exit site. She told me that they would then have to shave down the turbinates, as well, because they are just THAT huge. Fucking GREAT. Sounds AWESOME!
So that’s 2 sinus surgeries on my sinuses, and my tonsils coming out. The tonsillectomy is supposed to be HORRIBLE and painful and miserable. I’ve heard from several people that it was the most painful thing they’ve ever endured, including childbirth and labor. AND the pain is supposed to be fairly excruciating for a full two weeks.
Did I mention that I can’t tolerate pain killers? Because I can’t. They make me vomit, they make me dizzy and completely incapable of functioning. There’s a chance that I can tolerate low doses of Percocet. I suppose we’ll see. I’m sort of terrified that I won’t be able to take the pain meds and I will be in excruciating pain for two solid weeks.
My surgery is planned for December 29th, and I’ll go back to school on January 11th. The kids go back to school on January 4th,but I’ll have to get a sub for the first week of the new year. Which sucks. I won’t get to hear about my students’ Christmas vacations or anything. I’m really bummed about it, but there’s no other good time to schedule it, because this way I have 1 of the 2 weeks covered by christmas break.
In other news, Cookie is acting odd. She’s licking her chops and sort of gagging a lot. Can dogs have acid reflux disease??? She sort of burps and gags a lot, and then she licks things obsessively, like the carpet or the couch or the ground outside. She seems uncomfortable and she eats tons of grass whenever I let her outside. She’s clearly not feeling well, but I’m not sure what to do for her. :-\ I know I can give dogs pepcid, but I don’t think she’ll take it.
OH, which reminds me, I think my anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds aggravate my reflux. Is that the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard? Whenever I take it, I immediately get horrible indigestion. Then my meds won’t control the symptoms anymore. It’s ridiculous. Does that even make any sense?!
Maybe I’m insane. Or maybe I’m stressed, and I have a dozen ulcers. Who knows.
Alright, I’m done complaining now. Sorry for being a drag.
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