I should preface this by saying that I don’t think monogamy is bad. In fact, it’s a good thing to lots of people!
I’ve been noticing some changes lately since I’ve weaned my youngest and I’m not pregnant (I’ve been one or the other, and even both, for the past four-ish years). I am finally starting to get a sex drive back and the familiar thoughts of feeling… different have come back, creeping in slowly. It’s been easy to shake. It’s been easy to ignore. But sometimes it’s not.
I do not want to cheat on my husband. That isn’t what I wanted to write about and it isn’t what I’m trying to say. I love my husband and find him very attractive. Much more attractive than I’d find anyone else.
Being monogamous, for me, has always been about choosing it. It’s never really been “natural” for me. I have to try very hard to be. I always wonder if even half of the population feels this way, but doesn’t act on it. Perhaps it’s why the stereotype is that men always undress women with their eyes. I don’t do do any of that, and I find it uncomfortable when people do it to me.
I cheated on every boyfriend that I ever had, that I can remember anyway. I’ve realized over the years that I probably made the wrong choice to be in monogamous relationships. I also wasn’t happy with just casual relationships. I think there needs to be some sort of balance between those for me.
Jacob and I tried an open relationship for awhile at the beginning of our relationship. I remember being content with it, but he couldn’t handle it, so I chose to be monogamous for him. I was okay with it. It was a choice that I was willing to make for him, and I’m still okay with that choice.
The underlying issue of all of this for me is that I struggled with being incredibly insecure for a long time. I’d say I struggled with it for most of my life. I’m finally getting to a place where I’m starting to be okay with myself. I do not loathe my body as much as I used to. Ironically, this started getting better when my breasts decreased in size after I weaned my youngest.
I had jealously issues. Oh, man, was I jealous as fuck. I was in a few relationships where the men had some “side things” going (hypocritical, yeah, I know). I couldn’t handle it, even if I wanted to. I’ve grown up a lot and I think I’d be able to. I would just want Jacob to be happy. I know it would make him happy is if he was sleeping with me everyday, but I just can’t do that for him anymore.
I probably won’t ever have a serious conversation about this with him. But we have both said that if the other cheats on each other, we wouldn’t want to know and we laughed about it. I told him that he could have an affair and I wouldn’t leave him and I laughed about it. But I’m also being serious… he doesn’t know.
So, that’s that. I felt like I had a more coherent point to make, but I can’t seem to be concise lately.
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