I feel like I have all these emotions bottled up inside and then I go to write and nothing comes out.
I suppose I’ll start with an update just to get things rolling… I am no longer working for my mom at her State Farm agency. About 5-6 months ago, I began working for a bank in their fraud department; it’s a pretty interesting job, but I’m on the phones all day so that is a little hard on me with my anxiety and depression. I do, however, feel like I’m much happier here and like there are some options for my career to grow from here. I hope to get off the phones for the most part within the next year, but we’ll see. I’ve already gotten trained up twice so fingers crossed. I’ve made friends here and I feel like I can have my own identity; like I’m not just the boss’s daughter.
I’m still with Seren and things have been going great there for the most part. We have our tiffs (no pun intended), but we both try every day to be better people for each other and for ourselves. We just got a new kitten a couple weeks ago also.
I’ve been needing to write again for a while now because it always allows me to sort through my feelings. Lately, I just don’t feel the same oneness nor do I feel like I’m as in touch with my emotions as I did when I used to write a lot.
This past Thursday, a guy I had a one-night stand with about a year before I met Seren (so like 7 years ago) came out of the woodwork and messaged me on Facebook. The oddest part about it is one of my friends and I were trying to think of his name about a week prior. We talked back and forth a bit Thursday. He told me he’s had a gf for the past 4 years and I told him about Seren and how we’ve been together for 6 years. He asked if I was with Seren when we were hanging out and I told him no, of course not. He said I didn’t seem like I was the cheating type and I said I was not. I said it probably helps I don’t get blackout drunk anymore (alluding to the fact that I was quite blacked out the night we hooked up). Here was the conversation after that:
Him: So are you saying I just gotta get you drunk enough?
Me: lol well probably yeah if I was single, but I’m not so…
Him: lol well I’m not either so… Yeah! But that’s nice to know.
Him: Don’t say nothing, but I’m not gonna lie though, I am pretty turned on with the thought of it.
Me: lol I’m not quite sure how to respond to that, but you should definitely let your woman know if you aren’t happy. I’m not in a perfect relationship, but the idea of someone else would still never sit right with me. You’re a good-looking guy though and you should be happy, it’s just too little too late for me.
He didn’t respond after that of course. It doesn’t seem like much, but it’s kind of sent me in a tailspin of emotions. I think a big part of the reason why is because I actually thought about it and it actually took a lot of willpower for me not to encourage him. If I could live with myself cheating, I would have done it. I wanted to. And now it is all I can think about and it’s driving me insane. I hate cheaters and this wouldn’t have just been me cheating, it would be doing that to some other innocent woman as well. The fact that I thought about it and wanted to makes me hate myself. Also, I love Seren and I’m happy in my relationship.
But somehow I just feel queasy, like I have butterflies in my stomach. I’m not sleeping well either. My disdain for cheating goes back to when my mom cheated on my dad when I was 5. They stayed together and I’ve watched the struggles it’s caused them ever since. I’ve always resented my mom for it and here I am wanting to do the same? It makes no sense. If he would have reached out back in the day, I’d have gone for him in a heartbeat, but now even if I wanted to leave Seren, I’d never go for him because I couldn’t trust him. But it makes me question my relationship because I’m so enticed.
Is this all just normal feelings or am I a bad person?
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