When I don’t write, I’ve come to the realization that I eventually feel like I’m neglecting myself; I’m neglecting some part of me that can’t find comfort or solace by any other means. I have this itch, this compulsion within me to just not be happy. It comes out in various ways: anger, picking my skin, drinking, smoking pot, controlling, crying, misophonia, being agoraphobic, cleaning (the healthiest of which). I’ve tried healthy things: meditating, yoga, exercise, talking to therapists, mood pills. The problem with talking to people is that I can’t be honest. I’m sarcastic, cynical, realistic, untrusting, and dark at my core. It takes a lot for me to truly “buy-in”. I’ve been fucked over by enough people to want nothing to do with the song and dance that is talking to them about how I really feel.
To me, writing is…
Freedom
Release
Empowerment
Personal
Emotion
Reflection
Irreplaceable
I’m trying, I really am.
Seren has been at his friend’s a few hours South doing his floors for the past couple of weeks. I feel like I should miss him more. I have pangs of it. But is it enough? I cleaned the first 5 days or so and have just been soaking it in since. If he were here, the fronts of my cupboards and fridge handles would be sticky within a day. I save so much money in how much he drinks and smokes cigs. I bought a pack the day he left two weeks ago and still have about 5 left. I go through Coke and Morgan like crazy when he’s here and now I go once a week for it. He brings chaos into my life and I just can’t seem to do what I know is right. He stays up all night and works on things rather than adjusting to my hours. He isn’t figuring out what he wants to do with his life since his back can’t handle construction anymore. I’ve given him as long as I feel like I can to figure it out. The thought of not having him in my life is devastating. But I honestly can’t go on like this. Since the beginning of the year, I work out 3 days a week, have been excelling in my new position (off the phones entirely) at work dealing with debit card fraud and am finally making over $20/hr. I feel like my life is coming together and he’s an anchor.
If I can, I’d like to find a solution. He can be reasonable and has always been open to change in the past. He is my best friend in the world and I did start getting lonely without him yesterday (growing up an only child in the middle of nowhere, it takes a little longer for me to feel loneliness than anyone else I’ve known). I’m open to suggestions (that aren’t obvious or from assholes).
And as always, I’ll try to write more. Clearly, I need it.
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