Currently I am on cycle day 3 of cycle 3 after our full term loss. Our son, Callum, was conceived after more than 5 years ttc. We conceived him our first cycle taking soy isoflavones (120mg cd 3-7) after many rounds of failed fertility treatments. I started soy again 2 cycles ago and have returned to a somewhat "normal" pattern (normal for me is 40 day cycles with ovulation occurring around cd 24-26). I have been charting and temping for more than 10 years and honestly… I am tired of it. I feel so frustrated. I have MTHFR and am on multiple daily supplements and vitamins (magnesium, folgard, fusion iron, neevo prenatal, 42 fruits/veg, 81mg aspirin)
I just really am tired of my body failing me in every possible way. I was so close to having Callum, I had the perfect pregnancy and labor was effortless. I actually delivered at home in the bathtub and didn't even realize it was true labor until my water broke and his head was out with the next contraction. I also did not know that he had passed before he was born (probably 5-6 days). I thought his lack of movement was due to his increased size as well as him being head down - I actually had a midwife appointment on the 13th and we had a sonogram and everything to make sure he was in the correct position for delivery…. he was born on the 28th and the moment I saw him I knew he was gone and had been for a while.
I know everyone here wants a baby, just as much as I do. I know what it is like to buy handfuls of test at a time and see bfn month after month. I know what it is like to overanalyze those tests - hold them up to every possible light you can find hoping to see just a hint of a line. Pull them out of the trash, knowing if we see something it will only be an evap. I know I am not alone in my longing for more children and I know I am not alone in the sadness I feel from losing a much wanted and much loved baby that should have filled the emptiness I have felt for so long. But in the real, everyday world, I feel alone. I feel like people effortlessly get pregnant every day. Every day they have healthy, full term babies and never think twice about it. But not me, not us. It's not that simple for some people.
So here I am, back once again. Back to charting, testing, analyzing every sign and symptom and hoping that soon I will, once again, be blessed with morning sickness, weight gain, swollen ankles, braxton hicks, sleepless nights, moodiness, and a child to hold and care for at the end of all of it.
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