November 1st. 2 more paydays until Christmas. One paycheck gets me through rent and daycare and the bulk of my utility bills. I haven’t paid cable, my cell phone is an absurd $320 somehow, which is more than twice what it should be. Not going to be able to cover that.
I seriously have no idea what to do. Ross not working is fucking me. I get about $60 per week for child support for Kasin. That’s good for a tank of gas and a couple of grocery items each week, which is a HUGE help, but its not enough to offset everything else. I don’t know what to do! I can’t keep everything in the air like this. I have no idea how I’m going to come up with Christmas presents, let alone dinner. I’m pretty sure my parents are going to come to town for Christmas, and I’m gunna have to feed them.
Also, eventually I’m going to have to tell them that Ross and I broke up. They’re expecting him to come to Thanksgiving.
Kasin has an earache and I can’t afford to take him to the Dr to make sure it’s not infected, because the copay is $35. I have $11 in each of my 2 bank accounts. I’m probably going to have to buy toilet paper before payday on the 20th. AND THEN WHAT?! HOW AM I GOING TO PAY MY RENT AND EVERYTHING ELSE I NEED TO DO!?
Little bit of a mental breakdown happening.
In other news.
I went to a Halloween party at AJ’s sister’s house. She texted me at like 8pm and said I should really come, and that it was just getting good and it was fun and I should come on down. So I got the kids in bed and I walked over. AJ was already super drunk when I got there, and was thrilled to see me, hanging all over me and hugging me. Mmm, human contact. lol She was absolutely awesome, she showed me her tattoo on her rib cage (droooooool, she’s so gorgeous and she has a completely perfect body.) and then she kept complaining that there were no lesbians in this town. BECAUSE EVERYONE IS MORMON. So I told her, quite frankly, that I would be a lesbian for her. And she said, “I know you would, but your situation is INSANE, and I do notttt wanna get all mixed up in that mess.” …ouch. This translates one of two ways, “I am not interested but here is an easy cop out for why.” or “Your life is a disaster, no thank you.” Both hurt.
This didn’t really do much to me right away, but I’m definitely feeling it now. Initially, I just laughed it off. I jokingly told her to fuck off, and we laughed past it and didn’t dwell. I promised to let her know if I found any hot lesbians for her to date. She insisted that she would be alone forever. She ended up a little bit ridiculous after mixing some wine and beer and fireball shots. She sat down for a bit outside around the fire, and I sat with her just to keep her company. I got her an empty plastic cup to puke into, and she puked a bunch. I patted her back and rubbed her cold bare shoulders. She went inside to pee and never came back out, passed out briefly in the living room and then snuck out without anyone really knowing. Her sister came and asked me for her phone, which was in my pocket because AJ had none. I think that’s when she went home, and I can’t believe her sister let her drive. She said she seemed fine after she’d thrown up and was coherent and capable, but I don’t know.
I think she’s struggling right now with feeling lonely in this town, and she wants to date but can’t find any girls she’s interested in. She was sort of a mess once all the shots hit her. Poor dear. She’s also in the middle of losing her house.. she rents, and she has a 1 yr contract, but the person who owns the house is selling it, and there’s sort of a battle over who is going to buy it, and one of the people who is interested in it wants to buy her out of her contract before Xmas. Her mom is supposed to be coming to visit at Xmas and staying with her. So she’s a bit stressed about all that, too.
I don’t know why I’m defending her, everyone has to blow off steam sometimes.
Anyways, I had a really good time despite being shut down by the gal I’m slightly obsessed with, and then having her puke and leave. I had met a couple of the people there at the Wine Tasting thing we went to a couple weeks back, so I had people to talk to. There was a sociologist professor who, if I didn’t know he was married, I would have sworn was digging me. He’s tall and gangly and kind of hot. Looks like he should be a Dr. Who. His wife is a Hindu woman from India, and she’s curvy and luscious. She didn’t come to the party, but one of the other gals I was chatting with showed me pictures of her. He was extremely interested in me and kept touching my leg and asking me questions and made a lot of unbroken eye contact. Whatever, it was a good time. He was interesting.
There was also a couple, Laura and Jeremy, who are apparently big time swingers and they are really into allllll things kinky. They tried to convince me to come to a SLOSHING party. Which is apparently a huge naked kinky food fight. Erm, no thank you! :D lol But it was fun to try to be persuaded for a while, anyways. They were extremely amusing. They also invited me to Laura’s birthday party next weekend at their house. I haven’t decided if I’ll go. I would hate to be talked into an orgy. Hahaa
If AJ goes, I’ll probably go.. I assume AJ’s sister and some of the other folks they all know will be there. I’ve met a handful of them a couple times now, but I don’t think I would go if AJ doesn’t come. I don’t wanna be the odd one out, everyone else is a couple. If AJ and I are both there we can sort of hang out together at least. I dunno. We’ll see. Laura is super sweet, I’d like to go.
I also ended up texting with AJ today to make sure she was alright after last night. She sent me pictures of the two of us, both of which I’m making a really odd face in. I joked that it was too bad I can’t donate some of my chins to people who have none, because I have plenty to spare. She texted me back saying I need to be nice to myself and retrain my brain with nicer self-talk. I ended up sort of spilling my guts about how I have a really hard time accepting myself at the moment, and how my body isn’t my own anymore, and since having Milo I’ve sort of had a lot of medical issues and I’ve sort of lost my identity. I used to be a gymnast, I was thin and well known for it. It was part of who I was, and it’s been really hard for me to cope with the changes in the last 5 years.
She told me to take it from someone who’s been there and start saying nicer things about myself, and that it would retrain the chemical pathways in my brain and teach me to be nicer to myself. All well and good, but I don’t think it’ll be that easy. She’s sweet, though.
Okay, I’ve been a little bipolar here, and I think I’m done rambling. Life goes on. Must win lottery. :-\ Bye, friends.
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