To all of you who left notes on my last entry: Thank you. Truly. It helped so much. I feel so completely at odds with myself, and sort of confused and strange… but it’s just come so naturally, and it’s so undeniably intense, and I’m so very clearly smitten. It’s just how it is. I’m trying not to over think it, but that’s what I do best… it was nice to hear from everyone and their opinions on the matter and reactions, which were all so positive and encouraging and supportive. I’ve been lacking that in my life lately, because I have nooooooo friends here… and it was exactly what I needed. So really, truly, thank you guys. <3
If you don’t have me on Facebook, you may not realize that I have recently acquired two adorable kittens from the local shelter. One is a grey tabby with little white socks and a white tuxedo shirt chest, and the other is black and white. The tabby is Kasin’s kitten, and his name is Grimlock. I had to spend a lot of time talking Kasin out of naming him Starscream. (Like the Transformer.) And the black and white one is named Batman von Meatloaf, because Milo. lol He actually has rather perfect Batman-mask markings on his face, so we sort of started calling him batman as soon as we got him.
Batman is supposed to be Milo’s kitty, but he has really become my kitten. He curls up on my chest in the evenings and snuggles with me and warms me up and purrs all over me. He loves to be scratched on the head and neck, and I lovvvvve him. He likes when I rub my face on him and give him kisses. He’s absurdly adorable. I can’t even begin to explain it. He’s my little lovey love. Unfortunately, because Mochi will tear the house apart if I don’t keep her in my room with me at night, I can’t let the kittens sleep in my room with me. I don’t want to trap them in my bedroom all night, because I don’t have (or want) a litterbox in there, and they would probably drive me insane trying to get out.. plus I have an open window in my room they could escape through. So they sleep with Kasin, which is fine. But I would so love to snuggle little Batman at night. <3
I think I’m going to ask AJ for a doggie play date. Mochi and Cookie need to get out, they’ve been neglected here lately because the kids have been sort of sicky and Kasin had a buddy over on Saturday night, so we were doing kid stuff. Now Kasin has some sort of horrible flu. I called to make him an appointment with the clinic, and they told me it’s going around and not to worry unless he pukes for more than 5 days or becomes dehydrated, and that they really couldn’t do anything for him. AJ has two little pomeranian mix doggies, although they don’t super love other dogs. And my dogs have the distinct disadvantage of being LARGE dogs, which are their least favorite kind. I know AJ’s sister has two large dogs, as well, and they occasionally have doggie dates together, so I’m hoping it will be alright and AJ will agree to go. My dogs are pretty mellow and are very good with other dogs, so I think they’d be a safe bet for the little princesses. I also really like AJ’s dogs, they’re cute and snuggly and hilarious and I just love them. She brings them to school sometimes. I get the feeling that they may be the secret passageway to her heart. BWAHAHAA! ;)
So, being miserable lately, and alone, I’ve thought long and hard about some things. I’ve always been extremely baby crazy, and even when Ross and I were in the midst of breaking up, I badly wanted another baby. I was even considering just getting knocked up and then kicking him out. However, suddenly and recently I’ve realized what an absolutely ridiculous plan that would have been, and how little I actually want that. What I REALLY want is a partner that supports me and believes in the same things I do, and wants to raise a child the same way I want to, and cares about and values the same things as I do. Barring that somehow magically happening, I don’t want anymore. I’m completely maxed out with the two that I have, to be honest. Milo is a complete monster, and he is exhausting and difficult. I am also having a hell of a time trying to find MYSELF and learn how to be alone when I have these demanding little people around all the time. I love them to the stars and back, but I wish I could get a break and just figure out ME for a while.
Speaking of ME, I’ve been really thinking about things I need to prioritize. I need to get my health under control, which is specifically being effected by the fact that I’m insulin resistant. This is basically a pre-diabetic issue, and I would hate to be diabetic. That sounds like a lot of work. Upkeep. Special planning. Things I’m not good at. HOWEVER, There’s only really one medication used to treat this, and I have reacted HORRIBLY to even the SMALLEST doses. Like, gut crippling horrible pain that wakes me up in the night crying. It’s awful. It’s no surprise to anyone that I have a very weak and miserable stomach, I have a history of ulcers and severe ARD/GERD. However, I used to take this medicine before I got pregnant with Kasin and it never caused me any trouble, so I’m not sure what happened there. In any event, I simply can’t tolerate it at this point. So really, that means I need to stop eating carbs and lose some weight. In order to control this disorder without the medication, that’s what I’m supposed to be doing.
That being said, it’s going to be extremely difficult for me to lose weight BECAUSE of it, and I don’t have any TIME or energy to try to count calories or work out, I have no idea what to do. I need a convenience weight loss, which I know is the worst possible kind… Sometimes I think about taking Kasin’s ADD meds. He only needs them for school days, so he always has a bunch left over. It’s basically mini-meth, so not only would it make me less hungry, but it would make me ultra focused and productive. And in reality, I DO in fact have ADD, so I wouldn’t even be taking meds that I don’t need, just ones that aren’t prescribed to me. lol
I’m not really gunna do it, though. Probably.
I just don’t know what I SHOULD do. Maybe I’ll research the most successful weight loss methods for insulin resistant people? I dunno. I’m frustrated with my self esteem (or lack there of) and my current size/shape/weight, because I’m bigger now than I was at 9 months pregnant with either one of my kids. I feel bloated and awful, too. I need to figure something out. Maybe allergy testing.
BUT AGAIN, I don’t have time for any of this shit!
I also feel really petty and stupid for even caring about any of this. My weight should not be equal to my self worth. I shouldn’t be judging myself as a person or as a worthy partner or as relationship material based on the fact that I’m out of shape. But I really am unhappy and feeling unhealthy. I need to do something about me. Again, no time.
Couple all of this with First Year Teacher-ing, and I’m having a rough year. hahahahaaa… lord.
Much love, you guys. <3
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