Alright.
What’s new, folks?
Anyone who isn’t on my facebook- we found a 3 bedroom house with a fenced yard and a garage for rent. Ross is still living with me, sleeping on the floor in Milo’s room and trashing it. There’s empty beer cans/bottles all over the floor. It makes me insane.
Ross finally found a job about 2 weeks ago, working 4-6 hours per day cooking at an Italian restaurant. He went out on a DATE the week before he got the job, and had the audacity to come traipsing back into the house at like 4am, wake up the dogs and everyone else in the house, then claim he was home at midnight. ON A MONDAY NIGHT, btw.
He and Kasin are still going head to head and being complete assholes to each other. Kasin has made 2 good friends, one of them is from class, and he’s actually over right now at our place, slept over last night and is hanging out and playing for a while today.
The house is coming together, Kasin finally has a bed (bunk beds! YAY!) and I got a kitchen table with chairs that I really like, and some placemats and a table runner to dress it up. Mochi has a new, size appropriate kennel. I bought a good vacuum. My room is a disaster and I still badly need a bed frame, but whatever.
Teaching is going well for the most part. My kids are currently taking advantage of the fact that I’m nice, and they’re sort of running me over. They’re LOUD. But I think we are gunna get it under control here shortly, we’ve been working on it for a week or so now and they’re slowly adapting. I had to keep like half my class in at recess one day last week and sit with their heads down for 15 minutes. I also just took 2 points away from everyone for talking during a spelling test. They are gunna be extremely unamused when they get the tests back. I told them they lost the points, but when they see their final scores and “-2 for talking during test” it’s gunna be a little crushing, I think. lol
Anyways, overall it’s going well and we had parent teacher conferences recently and I got a lot of compliments from parents. So that was nice. The kids all like me, which is part of my problem .. lol but it makes me feel good. They just gotta find the balance between liking me and respecting me. So it’s coming, hopefully.
ANYHOW.
I have a coworker.
A gal.
We’re call her AJ.
She’s gorgeous.
And gay.
And I’m completely smitten with her.
I understand that this is probably shocking and confusing to some. I’ve always identified as bisexual, but I’ve also been consistently dating men since my 20s. I did date several girls in high school, and even had a fairly serious long distance relationship with a girl named Carly after visiting my grandmother in California for a summer. She lived in Santa Cruz, and she was vacationing at a lake my grandma took me to, we hung out and had a great time and exchanged info and blah blah.. ANYWAYS, all of my “girl on girl experiences” happened in my teens, really. I knew I wanted kids, and I ended up dating Corey (Kasin’s dad) and had Kasin, and it’s definitely easier to make a family and have more kids when you are a woman and you date men.
Anyways, this has been sort of… shocking for ME, too.. but I also realize Im in a vulnerable situation. I know nobody in this town, and she’s the only person I really know that I’ve formed any sort of relationship with. We met on my first day with the School District, at the New Teacher’s conference. She was one person ahead of me in line for the bathroom, and the lady in between us asked both of us where we were teaching, and she answered first. As soon as she said my school, I was like “OH! ME TOO! ARE YOU THE OTHER NEW 5th GRADE TEACHER?!” and she was like “YEAH! You must be Ashley from Alaska!” and I was like, YEAH! and we completely ignored girl-in-between-us and started chatting and I told her how when I had spotted her across the room, I wanted to be friends because she has epic hair. She was flattered, and I told her I was bringing my son to the school we work at and I didn’t want him in the other old school 5th grade teachers class, so I needed to know if she was awesome. She was like “YOU’RE awesome!” .. needless to say, we hit it off right away.
And I was rather smitten, right from the beginning. And I was quite sure she was gay as soon as I saw her standing in line, before I even spoke to her. The way she stands, the way she dresses, I just had a feeling. I didn’t want to assume, but I did. We have consistently spent time together since then, and every time Im around her, I like her more and more. We went to lunch a couple days ago (last Wed, actually) during an all-day training, and she told me she’s gay. I just nodded, like “Yes, I know.” lol It was not a big reveal, and I was very chill about it and we didn’t make it a big thing. Then we spent the rest of the day together, we went to Dollar Tree and she took me to Big Lots and showed me all the Big Lots secrets. And I was just more and more and more drawn in.
She’s amazing. She used to pursue acting, she taught in Kenya, Africa for a couple of years, she’s very accepting of everyone, she doesn’t have Facebook because she doesn’t like the drama. She hates when other people talk about other people, she always sees the value in everyone and appreciates what they have to offer, even if she doesn’t like them or everything about them. She’s completely beautiful, and has amazing eyes and cheekbones, and GREAT hair. She’s also very athletic, very slender and … well, generally perfect.
This is causing me to be rather confused and self-doubty. I haven’t been seriously interested in a girl in a long, long time. I want to chalk up my admiration to the fact that I’m extremely lonely in this new place where I don’t know anybody, and the fact that I really do admire her as a person and a teacher. She’s been very friendly and welcoming to me, she invited me to a Happy Hour thing on Friday night, and I went and had an amazing time. I told her I’m bi, which she took in stride, and she told me the story of how she embarrassed herself a couple weeks ago at this same place for the same event when she met a friend of her sister’s and professed her love to her. The gal was flattered, but is straight and is involved in a serious relationship at the moment. AJ tried to drunkenly convince her that she should bi. lol But then she told me she was glad she had just put it out there and said it, because it was better than wondering if there was ever going to be anything to it, and at least now she could just agree to be friends and move on.
This could have been my opportunity to say “Hey, I’ve had a MAD crush on you since the moment I met you, and the more time we spend together, the worse it gets.” but I’m too chicken shit. I am too damn insecure in my looks and my body to risk being rejected… my plan is to just keep building this friendship, keep being hilarious and amusing and nice to her, and slowly worm my way into her heart.
It’s really shocking me how much I like this woman. She’s 6 years older than me, but you would never guess it. I want to like, get married and have dogs together. I couldn’t just blurt out my feelings to her, because being shot down would have CRUSHED ME. I have already shed tears over this obsession.
I REALIZE IT’S INSANE, TRUST ME. But when I stand behind her, I want to kiss her neck. When she walks by me, I turn and watch her go. I stare at her, because she’s perfect and I’m totally, utterly smitten. I’ve got it BAD. She takes up about 90% of my brain, most of the time. I bring her little treats, I send her little silly Memes and I take pictures of her at events and surprise her with them later. I do chores at work that I know she doesn’t want to do, I do prep for her and bring her surprise supplies or prepped materials for projects. I spend way too much time thinking “I bet she’d like this” and making decisions based on that.
Again, I REALIZE this is INSANE. I’ve known her for 2 months, but I’m gone. GONE GONE GONE.
Absurd, right?
Sorry if this was bizarre and shocking to you, oh faithful readers. Some of you, I’ve been friends with from OD for like 10 years and this hasn’t been something that’s come up in my daily life or even really been talked about. But there it is. It’s really almost as surprising to me as it is to you.
I have more to talk about, but really this is what’s been pressing lately, and taking up all of my brain power and thought processes. I am slightly obsessed and I need an outlet. I don’t have anyone to really talk about this with, because she’s my only friend here in town, and like I said, I’m not ready to tell her about it. And Ross is an awkward confidante for this particular issue, so forget that.
Until next time, my lovelies. <3
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