October 7th and 8th in 2015

I didn’t end up doing much yesterday (the 7th). Just exhausted for whatever reason. I’m sleeping better, but I don’t seem to be any less tired. Actually, I’m sleeping about as well as I normally do during a normal bout of decent sleep. I talked to the doctor on Wednesday about upping my dosage, but no luck. We’ll see about what happens on Friday.
Wednesday was Eikaiwa. Before that I puttered around. Then Eikaiwa. When you get home at five, had to help Inori’s student, and you have to change your clothes, there’s not a lot to do when you’ve got somewhere to be at six. So, after Eikaiwa, I went to WaWa, that Italian place, for dinner. After several days of salad, fruit, cereal, yogurt, and school lunch, it was welcome. Oh! I had Natto for the first time yesterday. It was . . . not terrible? I didn’t love it. I don’t hate it. I don’t want to eat it, but I know that I can. That’s good, at least.
I’m still waiting for a garbage morning. I thought it was yesterday. It wasn’t. It didn’t seem to be today either. This is growing to be a serious problem and I don’t know quite what to do about it. Wait, I suppose, but it’s getting harder and harder to clean when I’m running out of floor space even when I bag stuff up.
I just had my first talk with Courtney that felt like a Courtney talk since our fight. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve experienced in ages. Better for all my cysts to be infected at once than to feel anything is coming between Courtney and me.
I’ve been talking to Tris a decent amount, which is nice. He’s the closest person in the world to me, after Courtney. It’s odd. I really do feel like he’s someone that I’ll want with me on my deathbed. I can’t imagine any life being as complete as one with Tristan. I’ve actually told him that. There’s no dream I can think of that wouldn’t somehow be made sweeter by him being next to me. Well, anything not involving women. Not into that sort of friendship.
Todays’ been dull. I got up, I did my walk. I jogged in the appropriate places. I listened to The Mountain Goats and The Decemberists. The dawn was beautiful. It wasn’t the world of mist that I had on Tuesday. Dawn came earlier, or maybe it just managed to peek through the air without a world of mist in the way. Dawn by the river, watching the colors change over the mountains . . . what compares? Maybe Biwako. Oh I hope she’s the same when I see her.
Starting to get lonely for female compansionship. Kind of glad that that’s, frankly, not an option. I don’t have the time for it. I get up at 5:30, I exercise, I eat, I shower, I dress, I go to work, I go home, I change clothes, I exercise, I buy dinner, I eat dinner, and generally, at that point, I’ve got an hour or two before bed. It’s not a life I’ll want forever, but it’s a good life to get me ready for a better one. And that’s the key here. I’ve wasted a lot. Mourning it won’t help. I’ve give up on a lot of things, I’ve made mistakes, I’ve fucked up chances at happiness. Well, it’s time to let them go. Again. Marcus Aurelius says there is only now. Well, maybe there is. But I’m finding peace and happiness in dedicating my “now” to “soon”. The goal isn’t some distant thing. There isn’t even really a long term goal. I’ll get there. I’m not worried. I’m in Japan, I’ve got stuff to fall back on. To the extent that a human can have security, I’ve got a good measure of it. Thank God for that. Literally. Thank God for that.
I’m training my mind these days to let go of things. I stop thinking about the past. I used to agonize constantly, “If I could go back in time and change things, what age would be the best time to start,” and other such things. I’d obsess over past hypotheticals and dedicate so much time to them. It was a cause of a lot of misery and anxiety. I’m ending it. Slowly, but surely, I’m ending it. The past is dead. The people in it are dead. Even if their bodies are still living. The people I knew have ceased to exist by the time I’ve perceived them. Every instant, you are a new person, a living manifestation of your soul’s velocity. There is no going back. There’s no point in wishing that I could.