Tell Her, and Them in 2015
- Oct. 1, 2015, 1:35 a.m.
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- Public
I had a night of weeping bitter crocodile tears over her last night. It isn’t getting easier. I’m becoming a stronger person, but I miss her more and more. I realize more and more how much better I could have done, and how much my cowardice cost me. I loved her before, but in my bitter pain I couldn’t fully appreciate it. As my passion for life has increased so has the passion for her. She was on my mind most of the day at work. I felt warm and full of heartache and couldn’t focus. I sent her a text asking her to read the facebook post and told her that things have changed and that I have changed, that I’m not mad any more and everything is OK. No response so far. I wouldn’t have had the courage to even do that before. The more I analyze things and think about her responses before, the more I am convinced that it was a mistake made by a blackout drunk person. Hurtful, but a mistake. And it could have been prevented, if I had just spoke up. If I had not chose my convenient life and lie over our love and her.
I’ll wait a couple days, and then send her a facebook message telling her everything I feel if she hasn’t responded. It may not work, but I’m going to lose her forever if I don’t win her back soon. I want her in my life. I could accept that, but I want more. I want to be with her. I’ll tell the world about it, and have no shame. Whether I got fired or vilified or whatever, I don’t care. I love and miss her so much. It’s all I can do not to collapse under the burden of the pain of my mistakes. No matter what, I won’t collapse. Even if I bear the pain for the rest of my days, I will move on and succeed with my goals. I’d just much rather have her by my side.
I was so complacent. I put on some weight, didn’t try to be romantic. Forgot all the skills I had learned. Didn’t tell her I loved her nearly enough, and didn’t SHOW her that I loved her. I’d ask about how her days were in small talk but never delved deeper. I ran out of things to say, and my mind is now boiling over all the things I’d give anything to tell her. I began to wonder if this was it, if I was settling right after I had become better with women. My mind wandered, I even took a peek at a couple online dating profiles I had remembered looking at before I met her, though I never did anything, never reactivated my profiles. I know that everything had to be this way to get to where I am, but damned if I don’t yearn for a chance to start the beginning, with honesty. No hiding it. No deception. I paid the price. Every time I daydream of her knocking on my door, of seeing her text, of hearing her voice, I pay the price. If she doesn’t love me any more, this is how it must be.
Looks like it’s time to go out with my roommate for one of her co-workers’ birthdays. I’ll finish this later, hopefully it’s not obvious I’ve been tearing up.
Went out. It was okay. I just can’t relate to people talking about work, unless it’s my work of course. Things were fine, but as more people congregated and conversations and attention split, or were focused on stuff I couldn’t relate to, my mind went back to her. No response to my text earlier, so the increasing likelihood that she either doesn’t care or is too hurt to reach out is creeping in.
I did reach out to several people today. My ex-roommate Chris, a source of much frustration over the past year. He responded pretty quickly. Can’t say if we’ll be friends again but it’s good to let the bitterness go and not be up in arms when I visit Medford. Lloydd, who I used to be a sidekick to essentially until a weird falling out five years ago that didn’t even really concern me. Jared, who I lost touch with after I wasn’t there for him during his breakup with another friend of mine. Arian and Kasey, really cool, positive people who were at the time a couple and my roommates in Ashland. I just wasn’t in the right state of mind to appreciate things, or them. I decided to move out but didn’t give them advance notice, they only found out when their landlord called to ask them about why my then-future rental place had called him for a reference. They were super cool about it but I’ve always felt bad about it.
The response has been very warm. It feels nice. When I’m not distraught over her, things feel a lot brighter. I won’t give up. Even if I lose her forever, I will continue on.
I feel lightheaded and tired. Maybe I can sleep tonight. I didn’t play bass today but I worked out a bunch and several hours were spent in downtown Portland. I can live with it.
spovqllx ⋅ December 07, 2015
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