Twenty years of schooling and they put you on the day shift — Bob Dylan
Sorry y’all just another example of the countless song-out-of-cultural-context things. For some reason or the other, I’m thinking the other because the some I’d probably be able to pin down, I came up with the inside of a joke. I might have made it up; I don’t remember having heard it. Though it’s a bit embarrassing for a grown ass man to make up a third grader joke.
What has four letters, starts with an F and is both a noun and a verb?
La la la la la La la la La la la la la la La la la la la La la la La la la la la la La la la la la La la la La la la la la la
La la la la la La la la La la la la la la La la la la la La la la La la la la la la La la la la la La la la La la la la la la
La la la la la La la la La la la la la la La la la la la La la la La la la la la la La la la la la La la la La la la la la la
La la la la la La la la La la la la la la La la la la la La la la La la la la la la La la la la la La la la La la la la la la
So, you came up with Fish too? Um, and fart I suppose but fart isn’t exactly a noun or a verb. You think it’s a noun? Paint it green and put it in a bag. I suppose it could be a verb, I might have less actionable farts than you.
I misspoke, second grade.
I took this survey thing on Facebook, a test, one of the kind of serious ones (e.g. it wasn’t Which Scooby Doo character are you? I’m always the doo.). It said I was very rational, logical and analytical. I think if you post it it matchs you with facebook friends who get the same score thingy. I was too embarrassed to post; the test is obviously flawed. I guess I can be logical and rational and shit, I just don’t, or not as often as I believe I should.
This is where the above quote dovetails into this pretend entry. One thing I know for sure that I learned in the school system was how to take a test. I don’t even have to think about the right answer, I know what the proper one is. I’m sure if every test had a double blind for anti-social thinking disorders my rational logical analytical ass would be locked up for the crimes I’m sure to commit.
Yeah, ok, sure, right then. I gotta see a guy about a thing, well, I know a guy who knows a guy who has a thing that knows a thing. Probably.
You know what lame ass chintzy rhetorical device bugs the sweet shittin’ bejesus right the fuck out of me? Of course you do. If I only wrote things you didn’t know all I could write would be personal secrets and that very act makes them no longer secret and I’d be mute as a frozen pole licker. Whenever a coked out cretin of a screen writer wants a character to sound learn’ed (the accent is to separate the phonetic term learnd, meaning just got the memo, to learn’d, meaning knowing a lot of shit) smart or foreign, he/she takes away the contractions. That character, can’t, couldn’t, they’re wouldn’t’s get tanged and no won’t, instead the can not, could not, they are unable to would not, and, especially wo not. Wait, what? I can understand a horse in full canter having a the druther that there’s a whole steaming heap of whoah nots, but … ho the fuck does will not become wo not? More saxon than anglo.
Also Shall and Whom pop up a lot. It sounds stiff, not formal, lame, not sophisticated and it flies in the face of common useage; like the character is too snooty to ain’t got truck with the OED.
It’s hard on the ear too. Can not is used but it’s used to emphasize, to draw out the inflection, the emphasis on the not, e.g. I can NOT fuck that pig no matter how much lipstick is on her pig lips. Everytime I hear Shall Not, I waggle my head and my index and say “Oh no you shant me proud piglet.” Ok, not every time, but, you know, I doth hast thy shall not hanging.
If you can’t make an actor sound well spoken with contractions you need to lose your actor, director, and dock the writer.
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