4:00 PM
I woke up today around 1:00 PM, I haven’t been feeling good today and have been pretty depressed, cycling between moderate-severe. Mother and step father went somewhere to watch the football game and the board I bet on didn’t get filled up yet so it will be used next game/next friday. I put my name on that board a lot so hopefully I win, I could always use the extra money even if I don’t spend much of it. I am one of few people in this world who can say they aren’t greedy, money doesn’t faze or excite me and now that I have a source of income, beyond bills I hardly spend it.
I don’t know why but out of the blue I wanted to cut myself and absent-mindedly went through with it and made a large cut on my wrist, this one is deferentially going to make a nice scar I can tell that right now. I listened to music for a while letting it bleed into a waste bin, then I got very self conscious and wasn’t happy with it so before mother came home I tied a sock around my arm where the cut is, now I am pretty eccentric and have done this before, so I tied another sock around the other arm to make it look like sock bracelets or something. I told mom I was hungry and she is making me peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and I asked what is for supper and she said she wasn’t cooking supper. I looked down like I was disappointed and started thinking about what I am going to do for supper. Mother told me I could order a pizza tonight and that satisfied me. I told her I still owed her for paying for a little over half of the price for my Halloween costume and she said it was ok, that I didn’t have to pay her back, I said thanks and asked why, I felt a little hurt because I feel like I owe her you know and she said because I helped her so much when she was so sick.
I am feeling very off today, like my mind doesn’t want to be here and I’m only using part of my brain, I am very absent today. Oh I just remembered, I overheard a conversation last night between mother and step father about one of my sisters, mother posted pictures of me in my costume on facebook and apparently one of my sisters was like “I never have the money to do stuff like that, why did you buy him a costume?” mom said “He bought it himself” she asked with what money and then mother told her about my SS, she had what can best be described as a bitch fit about it and mother had to explain to her that I had to see a specialist, go to therapy, and take heavy medication and that I’m pretty messed up.. I think she finally understands now or at least I hope.
On Monday I have to take my baby in to get her a new bumper. I have been wanting to get her fixed up since I got her and that lady hit me, I cannot wait. I love my car so much, she is a part of me and I will never give her up. Also I have a meeting with my therapist and possibly with my meds doctor, he has me keeping a sheet saying what was a trigger and how did it make me feel, etc. Well now I know my porpoise in life and what path I must take and also knowing I will be rewarded in the afterlife for my suffering as a human.
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