A couple of hours ago I tweaked my back goodly (heh, lookit me, making fun of misused adverbs and the whole backwards good/bad thing while my back is stiffer than a peach fuzz freshman peeking in the girls locker room). So why the fuck am I sitting here typing? For you, man, I’m typing for you. Um, when your back spasms it’s a good idea not to stay in one position even if your doc’s advice is drink fluids and get plenty of rest. If your doc was sober or had a back spasm himself (the latter being more likely than the former) he wouldn’t give you a canned response.
Ok, I’m really typing for you, man, typing for you, truth is you might need plenty of fluids and rest. I have my own routines that work well for me, because, though I wish it weren’t so, I have a lot of experience in back tweaking. Spasms are pretty common and though it feels like you are paralyzed, a back spasm isn’t all that different from any other kind of muscle spasm except it’s a lot harder to stay off your back then, for instance, not use your calf, or, if you are a lamb of jesus instead of a cow of Vishnu, your kid. I kid, calf.
Calf would be a cool name for California. I don’t know if anyone still says this but it was never cool; Caley Frisco. It was never cool for a zillion reasons, the first billion or so being equally as valid as the other (e.g. it makes you sound like a dumbass is as true as nobody says twin mini, mini to refer to Minneapolis/ St. Paul, like San Francisco, Minneapolis doesn’t need the state as reference, I mean if the ear of the beholder didn’t recognize the city name, the state isn’t going to help, and, I’m not sure about Calf but in Minn you are allowed to shoot someone for calling it mini.) Hmmm, I lost the point in the parenthetical statement under ten feet of hyperbole (still …). Ok, eight and a half feet.
Except for the obvious emotional and psychological distress, I’m not sure that a motherfucker necessarily hurts, but, all the same, my back hurts like one. A motherfucker that is. If I remember rudimentary physics correctly, a shit ton weighs a ton. My back hurts a shit ton. You probably have your own expletives, if not now you will when your back spasms. It’s hard to qualify how a Jesus F Christ hurts, but Mel “bring a jew to work” Gibson sure tried in that Easter snuff film of his; if that’s his idea of passion I really don’t want a sex tape leaked, ever, ever, ever. But I’m sure my back hurts like that; like a Mel Gibson sex tape.
That’s another thing about your doctor, he or she, sober or not, wants an arbitrary number on a pain scale, a subjective one, motherfucker is not a number between one and ten. Given that numbers are infinite it’s possible somewhere after a blue gazillion comes motherfucker, like 100 bazillion blue gazillions is a motherfucker. It’s theoretical, I know, but that’s why I get the big bucks. Honestly, I asked for does.
Ok. Time to find a different position. No, I’m not asking for suggestions and I can’t do what you’re planning on suggesting anyhow. Try being nice or changing positions and I will try the same.
Loading comments...