So I recently screwed up something fairly good. I knew it would happen one day, as lies eventually do come to light, but I didn't realize the aftermath would be nearly as harsh as it is. Do I deserve the fallout? Totally. And I'm not going to whine that it's hurting me or that I'm being bullied. I do deserve everything.
I just want to explain WHY I acted the way I did. Now I know the average reader, if I even get any readers of this, are going to have no clue what I'm talking about. And that's fine.
I keep in touch with 2 people that another person has major issues with. And that's fine. No one is required to like everyone or everything that I do. Do I consider these 2 people to be friends? Honestly? I don't measure what I have with various people in such simple terms. We argue, we disagree, we cause hurt feelings...but in the end, there are people who are there for me in enough ways that, yeah, I do consider them to be a friend. I kept my silence on such friendship, saying that the actual friendships were non-existent, not because I enjoy playing games or lying, but because I didn't know of any honest way to define why I keep in touch with people that others have problems with.
Should I have admitted that I was in touch with these people? Yes. I don't deny that. But at the same time, I didn't think it was anyone's business, really. Why should I justify what I do and who I keep in touch with? I am able to learn secrets and truths about people without going to others about what I know and learn. I am able to keep things from others when asked to. When my friends aren't friends with each other, I respect that and make sure not to blur the lines or do anything to contaminate the friendships I have with them. Okay, so I screwed that up, but I did what I did with the best of intentions. Lies, yes, but still the best of intentions.
My thought processes are fairly complicated, I'll admit. I do things in a way that leave many shaking their heads. It makes things, at times, very difficult for me. But I can't just easily change who I am or the way I think.
Anyway, Molly, Kim, I AM glad to be...whatever I am...with you two. You both know that I thank you for the texts, the tweets, the...WHATEVER...way we keep in touch. You are both special to me in more ways than you'll know. You've been there for me in ways that may not make sense to others, but are still extremely great to me. I like to think that the bonds I have with each of you are so great that "friend" is merely too simple of a word to use when it comes to you.
And Jodi. I deleted your comment to my first entry, because I know you don't want just anyone finding you on here. I am sorry that things fell apart the way they did and that I leave you with more doubts about me than realizations. But as you have always enjoyed the more negative outlook on life, I find that I am not going to bother truly explaining myself to you. You enjoy seeing the worst of the world and I'm not going to pretty up what I did or attempt to make amends. You're stubborn enough that anything I say, anyway, would just be a waste of my time. =) I am who I am, flaws and all. I feel horrible that you think I treated you so badly and I agree you have every right to hate me, but were we truly friends? Every so often you would email me, asking if I had dumped you, or accuse me of being like Kathy or some other person who would eventually cut you lose. That always got to me. I'm sorry I sometimes took a week to get back to you. I don't have an iPhone or even a smart phone. I send a lot of my tweets through text message and check in online when I feel up to it and have the chance. Ask others and they'll tell you that I sometimes make them wait on a response from me, the way you did.
As for my health and my job that you seem to doubt? Why defend that stuff. Those who think that badly of me that I would lie about mundane crap like that don't deserve my truths.
I could go on, but I think I've said enough. I just hope we can all, everyone of us, just move on with our lives and look forward instead of back. I know I'll learn a lot of lessons from what has happened over the last few days. Lessons that are making me realize I'm not as good of a person as I could be.
Take from this what you want. Think of me what you want. Thank you to anyone who actually reads this.
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