The frustrating part of staring at the sky and pointing out cloud formations to your friends is the same as when your are pointing at constellations, it’s very hard for that person to see it from your point of view. I’ve always had this problem but not just with clouds or stars, I’ve always had trouble connecting with people on an intellectual, psychological and emotional level. I can’t seem to string my thoughts together to form any semblance of thought that they would understand, let alone identify with. In my head I’m a very articulate and insightful person to engage in a conversation with. In real life I’m a blubbering idiot incapable of stringing a few words together to express an emotion or thought. My failed attempts have only increased my unwillingness to try again, or it did until I met Her.
She was amazing. She understood me on a level I’ve never experienced with anyone else. It was incredible, we could see inside one another’s head and thoughts. We were capable of telling the most intricate jokes and never stutter or get the punchline wrong. We’d tell each other how our day went with the utmost accuracy, and display our emotions without fear of judgement. The only thing I feared was that maybe She was too good to be true, that her existence wasn’t warranted and I wasn’t special enough to keep her around. This fear was embedded into me from the years of punishment I’d received because I was a “retard” or “half-wit” or just plain “fuck-head”. It’s not like that fear just goes away, I feel relief with her near but the fear is just waiting for me, kind of like the bully waiting around the corner to trip me and call me a “fag”.
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