Equilibrium in From There to Here

It has often been observed that the key to a happy life is all about balance. A balanced diet, a balanced check book, a balanced mentality. As if we are all teetering on our individualised scales from the moment we’re born until the moment we shuffle off our mortal coil leaving the final balance outstanding for whatever our own particular creditor, depending on our faith, dictates.

The problem with this lofty ideal of perfect balance is that no one can possibly live up to it. No aspect of life is purely black or white. The constant chaos that life throws at us sees to it that we live, predominantly, in the myriad of grey areas with only our own moral compass to guide us through. And just when you think you have achieved a balance life throws us a curve ball that requires the juggling of all the carefully placed weights and measures. “The best-laid schemes o’ mice an’ men gang aft agley”

What brings the notion of balance to my attention is that recently I found out I’m to become a father. Don’t get me wrong I’m filled with excitement and joy at the thought of it and thank my lucky stars with every passing minute for it and my ever loving girlfriend without whom I would, most likely, still be wallowing in the quagmire of my own creation that was my life before her. We’ve been together for 3 years now. We’ve lived together for the past 6 months and in that time we found our balance between work, friends and families.

I now find myself re-imagining the current balance of things when our little bundle of joy arrives. I’m the kind of guy that likes to spend my evenings with the other half on the couch with a movie or a box set or in the company of mutual friends or family. However one night a week I like to spend my time with my mates we’ve been palling around now for ten years. One of whom I’ve known closer to fifteen years from my college days. I see them more like my family than just “the lads.”

I’m not under any illusions that things can stay the same with a baby to look after. Indeed I am hardly naive enough to think that I will remain unchanged when I hold my child in my arms for the first time. And yet there is a part of me that will always want to, on that one night a week, go shoot some pool, watch a movie or go down the pub with to talk shit into the early hours of the morning. While the other part of me drags at my conscience to not allow my other half to feel in any way neglected or left out. Add into that equation a baby and the balance is bound to be thrown way off kilter. A challenge I welcome and will relish when the time comes. The problem as it occurs to me now is that I am being selfish I want my cake and to eat it too. I want things to change. I want our lives to evolve into the next step, the kid, the engagement, the big wedding, the house in the ‘burbs. And yet I want everything to stay the same in another respect. Pure selfish indulgence.

I just need to find the right way, the right combination of my own weights and measures to tip the scales once more into the much sought after balance I’ve heard so much about. A lofty ambition maybe but perhaps an achievable one, or perhaps in about eight months time I’ll look back at this entry as the naive delusions of a man not yet ready to even comprehend what is about to be set out before him. But who really knows, under the skepticism and cynicism there is an eternal optimist waiting to be released. And for now maybe I’ll just trust in my own moral compass to guide my priorities onto the path I’ve been set upon. Watch this space.

D