Stockholm syndrome - Someone pointed out to me yesterday this word. I’ve seen glimpses of it over my life time, but I am finally begin to realize that maybe I had a little bit of this in me, if not a lot. I always made excuses within myself for the owners behavior. I always justified what he did because he paid me well. I also was raised to respect your elders, so I always looked at him and tried to justify he was lonely and older.
Back at the beginning of all of this when he tried to reprimand me for going out with a guy, I knew it was wrong and I was pissed beyond belief. I went back to my job because I had people to take care of and I needed the money badly. I am now beginning to realize this was a slow process and wasn’t something that happen over night. He wheeled me in step by step with promises and changed agreements over the years. He even went as far as to say I should just buy you a home.
I am now coming to the realization that when you are in a situation for a long time you begin to identify build a bond with that person. It is not always a healthy bond, but it is definitely a bond.
I kept saying in my head over and over again over the years that I did not want to hurt the owner he was paying me. I did not want to hurt the owner he had no one in his life. I did not want to hurt the owner he was elderly. I did not want to hurt the owner he was always saying he would make sure I was ok.
It wasn’t until the point that I realized all of his words and all of his games would never end that I snapped and quit. And then even after that I felt like I had done something wrong by deserting the company, the employees, and I was afraid this would take a tool on him.
Wow....that is so messed up when you think about it. It really is. I always knew in the back of my mind that what he was doing was wrong and illegal. So what ever made me ever care about or the company. The only thing I ever came up with in my mind was because I believed that he was going to make sure that I was ok at the end and would have security. If it wasn’t for that I don’t think I would have ever stayed and tolerated such behavior. But I did feel the guilt inside of me for leaving and feeling like I was abandoning all of this.
I even went as far in my mind as thinking he would call an apologize for his behavior after I quit.
I think this is something that I really have to look at inside of me. I have an appointment with a sexual harassment counselor on Tuesday. If we start to talk about this (because first appointments usual deal with minimal getting into things) I am going to have to ask her about this. I need to look at this for what it really is and drop the illusions that were placed up over the years.
As I always say life is about learning and healing..........and I just found another layer that needs healed!
Loading comments...