By the time I was 10 and my father had remarried, I had only been to church a handful of times. His wife was southern baptist. By the time I was 11, it was no longer an option...I was going. This started after me asking her if I could join her once...just to go. I opened a big can of worms that day that became a weekly fight until I was 16 and left. Having not really grown up in that setting, I resented it being forced even at that age.
Now...these congregations were different than what I had previously taken part in. It didn't take me long to decide these people were putting on a show for each other. My step mother wouldn't even dream of going to church if for some reason she couldn't wear her heels...ya. rarely there was an issue with that though lol.
Fast forward...I was made to join the choir...I was even pressured into being saved/baptised when I was 13. When I was 14-15 I started truly rebelling against it. I remember one day when they were doing the monthly "cracker and grape juice" the pastor said as he always did, "if you're not feeling right with god don't take this." So that was the day I decided to pass on it. My step mother noticed this from where she sat in the church with the choir. She was mouthing some words at me with a look of shock on her face. I looked away and was thinking about how much trouble I'd be in after the service.
I was right lol. The arguement after church ended with her telling me I WOULD take the next month's cracker and juice and THEN I wouldn't have to again. It was very much a control thing with her...I'll dive into that in another entry. So the following month I took the cracker and juice from the plates and hid them in the pew. It never came up after that.
As time went on, my opinion of church only got stronger and I routinely voiced that. I wore slacks one day...I was dressed nicely but she decided this was not appropriate and would remove all my nice pants from my closet before the weekend once I told her I'd wear what I want. She started having ME wear heels much to my disdain. I was becoming a part of the fashion show. I couldn't do this. At home where I had a smidgen of control I began dressing like a "dreg" as she put it. I began showing interest in mystical things such as fairies, demons, witches, vampires, etc. I was doing so to piss her off and to gain some control. I was never really serious about it.
I've tried to attend different types of services since then and come to the conclusion that none of it is for me. I decided I must be atheist...or something lol. I can agree that this world could be just a spec of dust on the tip of someone else's nose. But it could be alot of other things too. Nobody has the answer if they're alive to give it. Maybe pastors are really schizophrenic with really good focus.
Don't get me wrong, I don't look down on people who are faithful to their god. I look down upon those who force their views on others. My motto is "live and let live."
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