May 4 – Monday, Again.
Another weekend come and gone. I am absolutely not ready for this week, and I’m sad that the weekend is over. I also spent quite a bit of it with the Bulldog – him telling me straight up that it’s not going to go anywhere. This has gotten ridiculous in addition to embarrassing.
Yet, YET. Why does he do this? When we’re together he talks couple-speak about us in front of other people. He says things like, “we got lucky” in reference to my dog and how well behaved and awesome she is. One time, the BD was talking to his aunt about me and referred to me as his girlfriend within earshot, actually right in front of me. Yet when I speak to him directly about these kind of things he changes the subject and I am a little bit OK with it because I enjoy his company and I know he enjoys mine – and I guess that’s what friends do…they don’t have these kinds of expectations. Right?
So look, there it is right there. We are JUST FRIENDS. Nothing more. Well, okay, friends who have sex. And I guess that’s where it gets weird. Because sex bonds me to another (him). Clearly, it does not have the same affect on the BD.
I know, I know. This is so boring to read. Well, it’s my diary and it’s not boring for me. It’s real. I believe the ONLY thing that’s going to snap me out of this is if I give myself a very appealing alternative to the BD. What can I do for myself? I need to give myself a gift or something, you know? Something that will soothe my soul and help me overcome this obsession.
May 6 – Wednesday, Already.
Where does the time go? I’m glad I’m not traveling this week. There’s so much to do at work that I get overwhelmed and have to pause for a moment. These are the times when I think about writing an entry or start to write an entry and then normally get sidetracked. Let’s see if I can squeak this entry out.
Yesterday was Cinco de Mayo. I kind of wanted to do something fun and Mexican-y, but I didn’t really make any plans, so tequila drinking was pretty much out. Good.
I talked to the BD yesterday on the phone and told him that I was pretty much going to stop any and all effort with him. Perhaps that’s a dumb way to let things fizzle, but the thing is, I guess we are both being open and honest about things. He is still in his “bad place”, which I believe will never go away. He will always seem to find a bad place.
Yet, I don’t want to end it abruptly because I still like hanging out with him. I know it sounds weird, but I truly enjoy his company…I can’t explain.
OK – I have to start thinking about my reward to myself – what I said on Monday. What is an appealing alternative that I can give myself? Good stuff for me!
I better get this out now. I have non-stop meetings for the rest of the day.
Love and hope,
GS
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